Valentine's Day...

For some people Valentine's Day is the only holiday they look forward too. But for many women...let's just say some hearts are broken, let down, empty and/or lonely, disappointed, and sent off to reevaluate the relationship.
I have received a few emails asking me to please address the issue of shattered dreams, lost hopes, and just how this holiday brings to the forefront the dreams and wishes of two people. I feel bad that I can't put on here a message to men to realize that this day is hard for many of their girlfriends who are hoping the two of you will marry. I can't just present that side because I know men who've told me they know that's what the girlfriend wants and they aren't going to deliver it just because it's Valentine's Day. Men have told me if the days before Feb. 14 the man has remained in his corner about marriage, it isn't going to change overnight no matter what the calendar says. One man said he hates this day as much as his girlfriend because he knows anything short of an engagement ring isn't going to go over and therefore he strikes out no matter what he does or buys. Girls, I do understand what you're thinking and going through even though I haven't sent some strong message to the men. I was once asked to go to dinner a week after Feb. 14 with my then boyfriend. It was an elegant place on a weeknight. He brought me flowers and was acting nervous. Before the dinner arrived, he took my hand and for some odd reason started looking and touching my ring finger. I got so nervous and thought here it comes...our food arrived and that was the main event of the evening. I can't tell you how let down I was and actually a little upset because I don't think he had a clue that this out of the ordinary behavior along with previous conversations had led me to believe he was going to propose. I don't know how I didn't cry on the spot when nothing was said, but I didn't and reminded myself that obviously it was just another night. I didn't really even like my meal and at that point just wanted to go home. The only thing that would have made this worse is if he had asked if our kids could've joined us for dinner. As my kids get older, I usually have the first part of the evening with them and then go about more adult plans for dinner and an evening out on Valentine's Day. (hint to those who don't get that part)
So, if you're not going to propose on Valentine's Day and you know that's what she wants...What do you think you should do about it? Obviously, it's on both of your minds if it's been brought up frequently and the relationship is at that fork in the road, how should you handle this day?

Innocent until proven guilty

I was teaching a group of young teens about the passengers aboard the Titanic. Many of the rich and famous have a colorful history. There was Madeleine Astor married to the richest man on the Titanic. He was 48 and she was 18 and pregnant with his child. He dies and she lives a very interesting life. Then, Benjamin Guggenheim was brought up in the conversation. He's the man in the movie as well as in life, who puts on his best clothes and smokes his finest cigar; knowing he would stay on the ship and drown. The kids were looking up more information about him when they came across the words "lady friend". Another student being ever so helpful and knowledgable explains you can have a friend who is the opposite sex and travel with them. She added in a stern voice, "He was married dummy, she was just a friend." Her teenage friend continues to dig deeper on the net and finds the word "mistress". He then inquires about that word... Miss Know It All replies, "No wonder he chose to go down with the ship. He didn't want to face his wife and kids." The boy was so confused and asked if the lady friend was someone he didn't have sex with but the mistress was his girlfriend? The young woman determined to set this boy straight said " his mistress is the person he's playing while he's lying to his wife that he was on the boat alone." That boy had a great comeback..."Good thing they didn't have listening devices, web cams, camera phones, and phone locaters back then." How could you not enjoy this banter of young teens while they tried to assimilate that this kind of philandering went on even in 1912? One dramatic teen presented the idea that maybe the wife knew and didn't care. I voiced my opinion that I know longer think so highly of Benjamin Guggenheim, but then again I don't have all of the facts. Who needs facts when it's very clear what the story is...at least that's what the teens were saying.

What do you think? Are you innocent until proven guilty in relationships or are you guilty if the hunch and circumstances exist?

See-Saws Anyone Want To Play?

So someone made a comment the post before and wanted to start a little controversy with me over balance AND responding to thoughts letters. Here we go...

Balance is an interesting concept as I wear many hats like most but compared to some I wear a little bit more on certain days. I consider what I do a balancing act, but consider a balanced feeling something quite different. Balance to me is keeping myself in line like a balanced see-saw. I require downtime, alone time (those are different), kid time, hobby time, reflection time and so on...I know when I feel out of whack and need to do something about it. Breaking up isn't at the top of my list as if the guy has to go because my see-saw is tilted the wrong way. Think back to when you first meet the person you want to start spending so much time with. Suddenly it doesn't matter that you're so tired you're falling asleep on the job, or the kids are eating McDonald's everynight, worse the house is collecting dust balls and you can't find the floor of your closet because you're falling in love. You're out of whack and it just doesn't matter that your see-saw is going up and down because that high as a kite feeling makes you not notice. A few months later and faced with possibly losing your job, kids are thinking Ronald McDonald is their sole provider, you have to buy new underwear because laundry isn't getting done, and you begin to notice you're out of balance. The only new factor is that new love interest so he/she must be the reason. Let me see... you plopped down close to one thousand dollars online and in services to meet this person, maybe you bugged your friends so much to fix you up because the only thing missing in your so called balanced life was this person and now your little see-saw can't handle it so you type an email AND hit send. This brings me to the "thoughts" letter. I don't have time for someone to tell me they don't see this working for them "right now." I know what "right now" means. Heck, it doesn't always work for me either (my life or theirs). My see-saw also goes up and down when I meet them, my laundry represents another season, and my kids are so happy I haven't noticed the tornado that visited their rooms. I don't assume that the off balance means this person isn't working for me, it means the time needs to be tweeked. Sometimes I do need that introspective time or connection with a close friend who can hop on my see-saw and balance it out. We all need that so why get rid of someone because you're off balance and not getting what you need from them when you might not have asked or you're just having a moment...shouldn't you be looking within? That's what Oprah would do. When a man writes a letter like this; that his see-saw can't get balanced and he needs more of something you don't possess and never did, I don't know why he really wants to hear that a woman will be open to him changing his mind. I really know it's an ego thing and the what if I made a mistake... it makes me laugh. You want out then get out...if you want in then really be in. But, you can't be trying to stay in when you think you want to be out. The woman knows it and has been dealing with it for awhile WITHOUT sending you a "thoughts" letter. You also disrupt her balance that she was trying to maintain. It makes my see-saw feel like it's in a storm. One time I received that letter and it was a relief...it was movement and I started to take care of some of the things that had been neglected during that questioning time. We found the floor of my kids rooms and the laundry got all caught up. It also gave me a chance to say, "Hey, make the most of this time." I never said they could come back because if they want to they will without the opening/invite to do so. I have told people to stay far far away after their letter was sent, and yet they still came back...hmmm...so why did they want to go in the first place? People who write "thought" letters to someone they love and can't say it to their face (in my book) don't deserve a response that has any open doors other than letting them know you've received it and probably agree with it at that point. Have I ever written a "thought" letter? Yes, but after we had already talked and ended things in person. When we ended things in person it was left open and I went home and decided that wasn't for the best. I wrote a beautiful and kind letter thanking that person for the time and friendship but that it was best we didn't communicate. Months later that person reached out through email to try and reconnect and I didn't respond. Responding to someone best left alone, throws off the see-saw. My point is these are words that need to be expressed and everyone does it, but it doesn't mean you need to put yourself out there like a doormat and say- Hey you're welcome anytime to break my heart and tell me I'm not for you but come back offering nothing different. Now, if they come back offering something new with better possibilities or better understanding... you might want to reconsider. Maybe both of you can find a way to keep your see-saws balanced or even accept that for awhile out- of- whack may be the new balance.

A letter was written but not much said...

When I started this site... I answered an email regarding letters that follow a break up and how they are usually titled "Thoughts". Recently, my friend reminded me of a letter I once received with that title and asked me what I had really thought about it and why I didn't do anything or follow up my response with what I really wanted to say. She was discussing my post about the song "Say" and is going through a "thoughts" time in her own life. In simple terms what is there really to say to it. I know we all have been guilty of spouting off an email in a huff and hitting send with delayed regret, but nevertheless the true thoughts of this person were expressed and they were heard. Would the general female population react in the same manner as I did? I'm not too sure on that one...most women (in my opinion) think that their response would somehow change the situation, feelings, or thoughts. My friend thinks it will if she responds in a begging whiny voice. I tend to hear what the person is saying but also how and why the person is communicating their feelings is important to me. There usually is some catalyst brought out in the letter that seems to be the author's driving force. I try to pay close attention to that because in my life, there are some things that aren't going to change, how I handle it does, but not necessarily the problem. If that is the straw that broke the camel's back, then it's better to know that now. Everyone out there married, single, attached, all want their needs met. Usually in these letters it's clear that the needs aren't being met. Some have really tried to express it early and work on it and it doesn't change but others keep their unhappiness to themselves and then express it in a letter when it's too late to change because their mind is made up. These letters aren't openings to work on something or to even work through something so why respond with anything more than a factual approach to the issues in an it's for the best tone? If you really disagree than say so, but asking to work on it when it's clear that someone can't handle it is self-defeating and time consuming....remember that saying "People see what they want to see." I believe that to be very true but often the facts and words in black and white say it all and there's nothing else you need to see.

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What would you say...?

Can you recall your junior high and high school days? If you're a woman you might have engaged in copying words to songs on your folders, notebooks, and in letters to some boy. If you're a guy...well, you probably just were on the receiving end of those words of hope, loss, heartache, and love.

Today a young teen handed me these lyrics and told me how much they mean to her. She explained how she sees men and women in their forties on up who just won't say to one another what may end up being a pivotal moment in their relationship or in some cases as this teen said, "these are words that may change the rest of your life." She went on to ask me why people my age (I'm probably ancient to her) can't just say what they're really feeling about the person they love or even love but maybe disenchanted with at the time? Why can't they just say, they're in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together and then go from there building and creating that life? She also added,"why can't they say even though they're mad, that they're sorry AND they still love each other AND will work through it all together AND that they're not going anywhere but right there where their love is?" Wishing I could tell her my words of wisdom in words she'd understand, I improvised and came up with this, "It seems so complicated and yet it isn't. People get scared and past experiences get in the way, fear of rejection, fear of making a mistake, all of these things can get in the way including just normal daily life." How simple is this teenagers reply...." They should remember what it was like to be a kid who wants something so very badly and just make it work but don't do the whole disposable thing...people think their relationships can all be replaced by others and find out too late that they can't. They should stop being self-centered and meet in the middle. You know Mrs. Jones, it's okay to make a mistake but it's not okay if the mistake is because you just couldn't really allow yourself to open up and feel and say what's on your mind and work together without giving up." Oh...I want to see this bright observant teenager in thirty years and see what she has to say then.

JOHN MAYER LYRICS
Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems,

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead,

If you could only ...Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say