Lets Talk Over Latte

Valentine's Day...

2008-02-08T23:32:00.000-06:00

For some people Valentine's Day is the only holiday they look forward too. But for many women...let's just say some hearts are broken, let down, empty and/or lonely, disappointed, and sent off to reevaluate the relationship.
I have received a few emails asking me to please address the issue of shattered dreams, lost hopes, and just how this holiday brings to the forefront the dreams and wishes of two people. I feel bad that I can't put on here a message to men to realize that this day is hard for many of their girlfriends who are hoping the two of you will marry. I can't just present that side because I know men who've told me they know that's what the girlfriend wants and they aren't going to deliver it just because it's Valentine's Day. Men have told me if the days before Feb. 14 the man has remained in his corner about marriage, it isn't going to change overnight no matter what the calendar says. One man said he hates this day as much as his girlfriend because he knows anything short of an engagement ring isn't going to go over and therefore he strikes out no matter what he does or buys. Girls, I do understand what you're thinking and going through even though I haven't sent some strong message to the men. I was once asked to go to dinner a week after Feb. 14 with my then boyfriend. It was an elegant place on a weeknight. He brought me flowers and was acting nervous. Before the dinner arrived, he took my hand and for some odd reason started looking and touching my ring finger. I got so nervous and thought here it comes...our food arrived and that was the main event of the evening. I can't tell you how let down I was and actually a little upset because I don't think he had a clue that this out of the ordinary behavior along with previous conversations had led me to believe he was going to propose. I don't know how I didn't cry on the spot when nothing was said, but I didn't and reminded myself that obviously it was just another night. I didn't really even like my meal and at that point just wanted to go home. The only thing that would have made this worse is if he had asked if our kids could've joined us for dinner. As my kids get older, I usually have the first part of the evening with them and then go about more adult plans for dinner and an evening out on Valentine's Day. (hint to those who don't get that part)
So, if you're not going to propose on Valentine's Day and you know that's what she wants...What do you think you should do about it? Obviously, it's on both of your minds if it's been brought up frequently and the relationship is at that fork in the road, how should you handle this day?

Innocent until proven guilty

2008-02-07T09:26:00.000-06:00

I was teaching a group of young teens about the passengers aboard the Titanic. Many of the rich and famous have a colorful history. There was Madeleine Astor married to the richest man on the Titanic. He was 48 and she was 18 and pregnant with his child. He dies and she lives a very interesting life. Then, Benjamin Guggenheim was brought up in the conversation. He's the man in the movie as well as in life, who puts on his best clothes and smokes his finest cigar; knowing he would stay on the ship and drown. The kids were looking up more information about him when they came across the words "lady friend". Another student being ever so helpful and knowledgable explains you can have a friend who is the opposite sex and travel with them. She added in a stern voice, "He was married dummy, she was just a friend." Her teenage friend continues to dig deeper on the net and finds the word "mistress". He then inquires about that word... Miss Know It All replies, "No wonder he chose to go down with the ship. He didn't want to face his wife and kids." The boy was so confused and asked if the lady friend was someone he didn't have sex with but the mistress was his girlfriend? The young woman determined to set this boy straight said " his mistress is the person he's playing while he's lying to his wife that he was on the boat alone." That boy had a great comeback..."Good thing they didn't have listening devices, web cams, camera phones, and phone locaters back then." How could you not enjoy this banter of young teens while they tried to assimilate that this kind of philandering went on even in 1912? One dramatic teen presented the idea that maybe the wife knew and didn't care. I voiced my opinion that I know longer think so highly of Benjamin Guggenheim, but then again I don't have all of the facts. Who needs facts when it's very clear what the story is...at least that's what the teens were saying.

What do you think? Are you innocent until proven guilty in relationships or are you guilty if the hunch and circumstances exist?

See-Saws Anyone Want To Play?

2008-02-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

So someone made a comment the post before and wanted to start a little controversy with me over balance AND responding to thoughts letters. Here we go...

Balance is an interesting concept as I wear many hats like most but compared to some I wear a little bit more on certain days. I consider what I do a balancing act, but consider a balanced feeling something quite different. Balance to me is keeping myself in line like a balanced see-saw. I require downtime, alone time (those are different), kid time, hobby time, reflection time and so on...I know when I feel out of whack and need to do something about it. Breaking up isn't at the top of my list as if the guy has to go because my see-saw is tilted the wrong way. Think back to when you first meet the person you want to start spending so much time with. Suddenly it doesn't matter that you're so tired you're falling asleep on the job, or the kids are eating McDonald's everynight, worse the house is collecting dust balls and you can't find the floor of your closet because you're falling in love. You're out of whack and it just doesn't matter that your see-saw is going up and down because that high as a kite feeling makes you not notice. A few months later and faced with possibly losing your job, kids are thinking Ronald McDonald is their sole provider, you have to buy new underwear because laundry isn't getting done, and you begin to notice you're out of balance. The only new factor is that new love interest so he/she must be the reason. Let me see... you plopped down close to one thousand dollars online and in services to meet this person, maybe you bugged your friends so much to fix you up because the only thing missing in your so called balanced life was this person and now your little see-saw can't handle it so you type an email AND hit send. This brings me to the "thoughts" letter. I don't have time for someone to tell me they don't see this working for them "right now." I know what "right now" means. Heck, it doesn't always work for me either (my life or theirs). My see-saw also goes up and down when I meet them, my laundry represents another season, and my kids are so happy I haven't noticed the tornado that visited their rooms. I don't assume that the off balance means this person isn't working for me, it means the time needs to be tweeked. Sometimes I do need that introspective time or connection with a close friend who can hop on my see-saw and balance it out. We all need that so why get rid of someone because you're off balance and not getting what you need from them when you might not have asked or you're just having a moment...shouldn't you be looking within? That's what Oprah would do. When a man writes a letter like this; that his see-saw can't get balanced and he needs more of something you don't possess and never did, I don't know why he really wants to hear that a woman will be open to him changing his mind. I really know it's an ego thing and the what if I made a mistake... it makes me laugh. You want out then get out...if you want in then really be in. But, you can't be trying to stay in when you think you want to be out. The woman knows it and has been dealing with it for awhile WITHOUT sending you a "thoughts" letter. You also disrupt her balance that she was trying to maintain. It makes my see-saw feel like it's in a storm. One time I received that letter and it was a relief...it was movement and I started to take care of some of the things that had been neglected during that questioning time. We found the floor of my kids rooms and the laundry got all caught up. It also gave me a chance to say, "Hey, make the most of this time." I never said they could come back because if they want to they will without the opening/invite to do so. I have told people to stay far far away after their letter was sent, and yet they still came back...hmmm...so why did they want to go in the first place? People who write "thought" letters to someone they love and can't say it to their face (in my book) don't deserve a response that has any open doors other than letting them know you've received it and probably agree with it at that point. Have I ever written a "thought" letter? Yes, but after we had already talked and ended things in person. When we ended things in person it was left open and I went home and decided that wasn't for the best. I wrote a beautiful and kind letter thanking that person for the time and friendship but that it was best we didn't communicate. Months later that person reached out through email to try and reconnect and I didn't respond. Responding to someone best left alone, throws off the see-saw. My point is these are words that need to be expressed and everyone does it, but it doesn't mean you need to put yourself out there like a doormat and say- Hey you're welcome anytime to break my heart and tell me I'm not for you but come back offering nothing different. Now, if they come back offering something new with better possibilities or better understanding... you might want to reconsider. Maybe both of you can find a way to keep your see-saws balanced or even accept that for awhile out- of- whack may be the new balance.

A letter was written but not much said...

2008-02-02T21:19:00.000-06:00

When I started this site... I answered an email regarding letters that follow a break up and how they are usually titled "Thoughts". Recently, my friend reminded me of a letter I once received with that title and asked me what I had really thought about it and why I didn't do anything or follow up my response with what I really wanted to say. She was discussing my post about the song "Say" and is going through a "thoughts" time in her own life. In simple terms what is there really to say to it. I know we all have been guilty of spouting off an email in a huff and hitting send with delayed regret, but nevertheless the true thoughts of this person were expressed and they were heard. Would the general female population react in the same manner as I did? I'm not too sure on that one...most women (in my opinion) think that their response would somehow change the situation, feelings, or thoughts. My friend thinks it will if she responds in a begging whiny voice. I tend to hear what the person is saying but also how and why the person is communicating their feelings is important to me. There usually is some catalyst brought out in the letter that seems to be the author's driving force. I try to pay close attention to that because in my life, there are some things that aren't going to change, how I handle it does, but not necessarily the problem. If that is the straw that broke the camel's back, then it's better to know that now. Everyone out there married, single, attached, all want their needs met. Usually in these letters it's clear that the needs aren't being met. Some have really tried to express it early and work on it and it doesn't change but others keep their unhappiness to themselves and then express it in a letter when it's too late to change because their mind is made up. These letters aren't openings to work on something or to even work through something so why respond with anything more than a factual approach to the issues in an it's for the best tone? If you really disagree than say so, but asking to work on it when it's clear that someone can't handle it is self-defeating and time consuming....remember that saying "People see what they want to see." I believe that to be very true but often the facts and words in black and white say it all and there's nothing else you need to see.

Update Your Bookmark or Favorites

2008-02-01T21:13:00.000-06:00

Visitors,
Some of you are reaching the site by your old bookmark "letstalkovercoffeeblog.com" That means you've been with the site since its' conception- Thank You! Please update your favorites or bookmark link to keep visiting this site. As of Feb. 27th you will no longer be able to reach this site unless you go to: www.letstalkoverlatte.com.

What would you say...?

2008-01-30T16:25:00.000-06:00

Can you recall your junior high and high school days? If you're a woman you might have engaged in copying words to songs on your folders, notebooks, and in letters to some boy. If you're a guy...well, you probably just were on the receiving end of those words of hope, loss, heartache, and love.

Today a young teen handed me these lyrics and told me how much they mean to her. She explained how she sees men and women in their forties on up who just won't say to one another what may end up being a pivotal moment in their relationship or in some cases as this teen said, "these are words that may change the rest of your life." She went on to ask me why people my age (I'm probably ancient to her) can't just say what they're really feeling about the person they love or even love but maybe disenchanted with at the time? Why can't they just say, they're in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together and then go from there building and creating that life? She also added,"why can't they say even though they're mad, that they're sorry AND they still love each other AND will work through it all together AND that they're not going anywhere but right there where their love is?" Wishing I could tell her my words of wisdom in words she'd understand, I improvised and came up with this, "It seems so complicated and yet it isn't. People get scared and past experiences get in the way, fear of rejection, fear of making a mistake, all of these things can get in the way including just normal daily life." How simple is this teenagers reply...." They should remember what it was like to be a kid who wants something so very badly and just make it work but don't do the whole disposable thing...people think their relationships can all be replaced by others and find out too late that they can't. They should stop being self-centered and meet in the middle. You know Mrs. Jones, it's okay to make a mistake but it's not okay if the mistake is because you just couldn't really allow yourself to open up and feel and say what's on your mind and work together without giving up." Oh...I want to see this bright observant teenager in thirty years and see what she has to say then.

JOHN MAYER LYRICS
Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems,

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead,

If you could only ...Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

Do You Minimize or Maximize?

2008-01-28T20:11:00.000-06:00

Is it cognitive distortion or is this relationship really in trouble?
I live in a city where a major highway has been shut down for about a year. Bridges are being torn down and rebuilt, lanes expanded, etc. There were many people opposed to this for various and obvious reasons. Businesses moved, people switched jobs all in preparation for what they anticipated. For some this is still a problem but for the majority reporting in, this hasn't been really all that bad. So what does this have to do with relationships? There's a term "cognitive distortion" that comes into play here. It's somewhat like the glass half full idea. But in relationships it can often explain how two people see their relationship with two different views. There are some people who truly have a problem with anxiety or just general fears and they focus on the negative to where they exaggerate the reality and then act upon it. Possibly not marrying but blaming it on small problems that appear greater to them due to this. Some call it "overgeneralizing." The positive gets minimized and the negative gets maximized. Like the highway problem- finding a new route might be anxiety provoking and therefore gets magnified as more of a problem then it is. It's the reason you could be having a relationship talk with your loved one and walking away thinking it was very productive and finding out later he/she didn't see the progress made like you did. I used to think it was just me...I'd be happy for the little things, the little talks and steps toward a future, a kind gesture and positive words, as long as it was moving forward. I'd only see the progress and shrug off any sign of negativity because if you love each other you'll work this out. I also know that sometimes there's a stall due to real life but if you get through it you'll start moving forward again. As I got older and dated more; I noticed there's some that are positive in general but not really hopeful in a productive way about a relationship. They're happy in the first three months which most are (honeymoon phase), but after that they'd seem disappointed and felt lonely. Are these people just in love with love and the reality doesn't work for them? That may be true of some of them but in other cases, there are partners walking around talking to themselves and sure they know what their partner will say and they magnify it ten times and walk out of the relationship without even having the talk. If they do have the talk and it turns out the opposite is said, it can't be processed correctly in the first place (cognitive dissonance.) For example, there's a man who believes all women want to be taken care of financially and that's the only reason women want to marry. Anytime he dates a woman he's all into it. Then, when it appears she wants more and possibly marriage he focuses on her spending, any conversations about money, and if she goes to the grocery store and talks about the big sale- he blows it into a negative that she's just all about his money even though in reality she's saving money. That's just one example but I am sure you have your own. I wonder how many relationships have ended because of this problem and could it be helped? I looked online and asked a friend of mine who is a counselor and of course the answer- "it can only be worked on if the person working on it sees it as a problem and recognizes it as one."

Support Group Dilemma

2008-01-25T05:48:00.000-06:00

Consider this...that's how my morning started. My friend walked up to me and said consider this dilemma and tell me what I should do. Then she proceeds...

You meet a man who's really nice but not your type. However, he starts to share his stories with you and shares something very personal not only about himself but about others involved in the situation. He asks you if you've ever been through something like this and you haven't. No names were mentioned or changed to protect the innocent. Wanting to be empathetic, you share a story about someone whom you don't know but you know their story would put this man at ease and make him realize others go through this even though you haven't. He continues to talk and shares another story about his friend because this is how people communicate, validate and learn about one another...right? It turns out the story is about the woman he's on a date with and he doesn't even know it. The story is sounding so familiar that she can't help ask if she's correct about the names of the people. This woman was the talk at a support group last night as someone who is coming between the person at the group and her boyfriend. This isn't true she professes and is very upset that she is being falsely accused and being discussed in a support group. Remember, this man is on a date with her that she initiated so why would she be interested in someone elses boyfriend. She wanted to call the woman's boyfriend and tell him about this and she wanted to call the woman and ask to meet to explain and clarify, but she knew this man (her date) didn't mean to tell her all of these stories. He was just hurting and needed a friend to talk with. Now she's hurting and is very upset and half jokingly says that she will need a support group because of this.

What do you all think about this...should this have been shared, should she keep the confidentiality of a person she just met but who needed a friend last night, should she try to just let it go? What would you do if this was you and maybe you've been like one of the people in this story, share what happened.

Did I become a marketing statistic?

2008-01-23T09:37:00.000-06:00

I am clearing out my spam email when I notice an email from Eharmony. This email tells me that I have been nudged from someone who also apparently according to the following email, requested communication with me just two weeks ago. I found this very interesting since I am no longer a member of Eharmony and haven't been for a long time. In the past I had met a couple of very nice gentleman from the dating service but I'm no longer a part of the current membership service. So... I started thinking what if? What if it appears I am on the site when in fact I am not, wouldn't it look like I am out there dating others and a subscriber to the site? What if you were someone who was interested in my profile and I never responded because I am not a member, wouldn't that poor guy feel rejected? What if I was married at this point in my life and I am being nudged to communicate through an online dating service with a single available man- I don't think that would go over so well with anyone involved in that scenario. Well, I wrote customer service and haven't heard a thing in return; not even the email letting me know they've received my question and will get back to me in 24 hours. (of course I sent it twice to be sure) I have asked how this happened and requested that all my information be removed. I know I blocked my information from being sent out right before I didn't renew the subscription. Not a good P.R. move...what do you think about this and what if you were the person who didn't get a response from the request for communication or the nudge? What would you be thinking at this point. The guys name was Howard so if you're Howard and you didn't get a response from someone- don't sweat it. She probably isn't a real member and you just became the marketing bait to get her to sign up and for all I know Howard you were my bait for me to sign back up with the service and you don't really exist.

Share your stories...

2008-01-21T01:40:00.000-06:00

Anonymous said...

Savannah,
I put in a Google search on commitment phobic relationships and your site was listed. On July, 27 07 you wrote about this. I was wondering if you have first hand experience in this or if anyone does and could help me. I've done the meeting his needs first and all that stuff. I've done the counseling. I've turned myself all different ways and he just isn't going to marry me. I look back at what I've done and I'm not happy about how I've spent my time. There were things I wanted to do and instead I did it all his way to get mine. It's over now and just ended. I think we made it through the holidays just to make it through. I hated new years and I'm relieved it's over, I just want to know if the signs are the same and how do you deal with the idea that really this guy knows this is how he is or what he's thinking but doesn't tell you and then you sense somethings not the same or wrong. You ask but get told it's nothing, or they're tired or not well. I keep thinking that A- I could have done something to fix this if I'd known and B= if he knew why waste my time. C- if there's a so called return why do they do this if they tell you that you aren't for them when they're breaking up with you.

I have posted this comment in the forefront because too often this is what I hear from friends, acquaintances, my own life and even strangers. There have been visitors to this site who have Googled "guys who can't commit" and end up searching this site for help or validation. Feel free to share your thoughts, advice, and stories...

2008-01-20T09:31:00.000-06:00

A follow up email to His Needs Her Needs Book...
I have read the book "His Needs Her Needs" my relationship was floundering and we were like fish trying to just stay afloat. One of the problems I find in midlife single but taken status, is that I want to be married to the woman I'm with but don't always like her and I know she doesn't always like me. We are the type of people who get into stalemates with each other. I used to think it was just her and asked her to enter counseling with me. Found out the problem really could change if I would change first. I wasn't happy about that and figured it was a woman therapist that she picked, we changed to a man. Same story went on there. I pointed fingers and said if only she this and that. She'd say she could do some of it if only. Then the counselor would step in and ask me if she did these things would I be that person who will do for her. Honestly, no! That got me three months of counseling on my own and my girlfriend got a get out of jail free pass. In those months I was told to read this book and exercise some of the ideas of going first to meet her needs. I didn't do it right away and she almost moved out. Then, I went to a few chick flicks and sat at a coffee shop reading a paper in silence with her while she just enjoyed watching people. I went to her favorite vacation spot instead of mine and that was the turning point. It was like when we had just met. We barely got out of the bed cause we couldn't keep ourselves apart. I held her hand and she brought me lunch at the pool and just took care of me. I actively listened to stories that I really didn't care about but it was a part of her and I really listened. I even liked her more in her favorite vacation spot she was at ease and actually took charge of the arrangements because it was her place of familiarity. Our lives have changed. I had to learn to accept the obvious which is we are different. I had to swallow my pride, stubbornness and belief that women can easily meet these needs and give them freely without me giving first. Affection brings the intimacy, talk brings the understanding, do her things and you get some time, etc. I don't subscribe to the idea that this works for every couple or all of the ones who read this book or go to counseling...I also believe I wanted it to work because I didn't want to lose her so I made it work. As whipped as I may be, I have a woman who thinks the world of me most of the time and likes to express it in ways that I need and if that's how I get that to work - well alrighty then!

Has this helped you, confused you, what's your take on this?

Answer Please

2008-01-19T02:22:00.000-06:00

A reader wrote in and asked...

Do any of you have a special bond or routine that you do with a person of the opposite sex. My friend thinks it's okay to go to lunch once a week with her co-worker. She said that's her relaxing time. I say it's bonding time and an affair could happen because the man she eats with is in an unhappy marriage and is hurting. Although he doesn't talk to her about much, he still talks and it's still a routine between them. I think it's bad and it could be the source of the problem in both of their lives.

What do you think?

Turning the Tables

2008-01-15T20:19:00.000-06:00

I was asked to pose this question to the readers and see where it goes:

If you are a woman that earns enough money to take care of your family and someone else, would you? Okay, sure I admit this question was brought to my attention by two guys who think that if women made enough money to do this; they wouldn't marry, and if they did- the man they married would be quite different than the one they look for without the money. These men seem to feel that if a woman can rely solely on herself she'd prefer someone to hang with, go to movies with, talk with, sit in a coffee shop with and someone who is emotional without compromise. One of the men said, " you know all she'd need is a great friend and a sex buddy." An eavesdropper commented - isn't that all men want?

So what do you all think?

Needs, Power Struggles

2008-01-11T18:27:00.000-06:00

His needs/Her needs...

According to Willard F. Harly Jr., the author of His Needs Her Needs, men's five most basic needs in a marriage are; "Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, admiration, domestic support. "

Women's five most basic needs in a marriage are; "Financial support, family commitment, honesty and openness, conversation, affection."

He found some won't agree with all of this but the majority does find these are the deepest needs. Obviously, marriage has it's ups and downs and all needs won't be met all or some of the time- some may not be met at all. Many say that's when the love you have for each other is supposed to kick in and help you accept some of the voids while keeping the one you love.

I listened to a man go on and on about his needs not being met by the women he chose to date. He clearly loved one of them and was having to adjust to 4 of maybe 7 things he wanted with this love. He admits that his needs and priorities have changed so some of the items he thought were big he really doesn't even need now and aren't important. I asked him if this woman he loves has had to adjust and give up on some of her important need items. Response- "I have no clue." With that statement he was ganged up on by three women who were at the table. The consensus was meet some and you'll get some. He did the old - you go first game. If she would meet his needs - then he'd meet hers. The women all said you need to go first for it to work...then I explained: I asked him if she met his needs regarding sex and doing his idea of fun things, admiring him and taking care of some of the house duties- would she get more conversation with honesty and openness, would he be more affectionate to her, would he spend more time with the family doing things he really doesn't like to do? He looked dumbfounded. So I threw out the old but what if: What if you gave her a little more affection, open and honest conversation, time with her doing what she likes to do- do you think your needs might start getting met a little more? The ladies were successful, we converted a man into our way of thinking. He actually didn't respond for awhile but then said, he got it and could see why he isn't going to get his met first and that it had to do with our brain and emotional differences. That if he worked with those differences; he'd be helping himself. He acknowledged that he creates this power struggle by wanting to see her do it first but that by looking at society he sees that women still need to be treated this way first in order to give. He also commented that women don't seem to need this in the beginning of a relationship in order to give it but then tend to need it in reverse. All of us agreed except for a 20 something woman who felt she will be courted and all cards on the man's part will be shown before she comes through. I brought out the idea that men do court the woman in the beginning and then once committed; some men think the woman should do the planning and forget they still need to court too. I don't think there can be blanket statements made regarding this but it seems our society and our self-help books seem to feel it's a representation of the majority.

Share your thoughts on this...

Performed a Phone-ectomy lately?

2008-01-08T07:14:00.000-06:00

On the morning radio show (Moving St. Louis 101.1) a new term was introduced- "Phone-ectomy". This is when you go through your cell phone and remove the names and numbers of the people you no longer date. It's a painful process for some because it's like really letting go and saying you've moved on and/or you have accepted that the other party has. It almost seems like an initiation into a new relationship. You will be accepted in this relationship if you clean out your phone; then and only then will I know you're committed to this. I don't have the normal names and numbers in my phone. The dentist is under "teeth" the guy that fixes everything in my house is listed under "handyman" and the salon I frequent is labeled "hair". Can you imagine a guy going through my cell phone especially wondering who "handyman" is? I have to admit I have been on the receiving end of a call from a guy I used to date and wished I hadn't picked up the phone. Had I kept his number in my cell; I would have known who it was and would've ignored the call. However, the flip side is that the person I was dating at the time would also have wondered why I had the number in my phone. (always something) Performing a phone-ectomy when in a committed relationship can be freeing, a statement making move, cleansing for some who kept one night stand numbers. If it didn't work out and you're not dating the person, why keep the number? Doesn't anyone keep address books anymore- you can keep the number there if you can't quite give it up. Is it like cheating that you have the number and won't delete it?
By the way, I called in that morning and explained that GPS systems in cars are just as bad as cell phones. It may help a person find their destination but it's a tracking device that recalls the information from the recent destinations. It's probably best to delete that section when heading out on a date with hopes of a fruitful relationship. Your recent list popping up is like a cell phone ringing only worse...there's no time frame to associate with it. For all your date knows; you visited this person earlier that day. Worse- if you're dating a curious/neurotic person, you just gave him/her a road map to visit the past. Just an FYI for those technically savvy people :)

Share your cell phone stories:

Should you or shouldn't you?

2008-01-03T10:47:00.000-06:00

Buyer Beware?
Your mind can't take it anymore, you think you've lost it because all of these thoughts about your loved one aren't so loving anymore. You know you're not usually this way but something has changed. Is it you or is this how they are with everyone? Two people in a relationship means two different versions of what went wrong. But, what if you find out that the troubles you have are the same ones the ex had? Maybe you end up digging up the skeletons that aren't so glamorous and stories that don't add up to what you were told. You might hear the same phrases were said in the past to avoid or dismiss issues. Most often the man won't stand a chance of coming out of this favorably. Also interesting and noteworthy; I've never really seen two men meet to do this but have heard of women who have.

Picture the scene: Two strangers with only one thing in common (an ex husband turned current boyfriend) meeting for a lunch date to talk. Hmmm, is this a witch hunt or is it a validation of ones feelings. I see it as possible closure for the ex- she's finding out it wasn't just her who experienced these thoughts or whatever and I see it as possible validation of feelings for the girlfriend. It could turn out they both have had different experiences with different outcomes given they both have distinct personalities. But, what if their personalities were really different but the experiences, situations, comments, and the way they were both treated were the same? What would you do then? Would you talk to your boyfriend about this or never bring it up? Would you feel better knowing someone else wasn't being treated fairly or would you feel worse? How would you handle the aftermath of your decision to meet whether you are the ex or the girlfriend. If you are a man- how do you think you would handle this situation?

Situation - You Decide

2007-12-30T22:55:00.000-06:00

What message is this person sending?
I was asked to comment and give my opinion about a situation that came up between a friend and the person she lives with. My friend and her children happily live with her boyfriend. The idea behind the move was to blend as a family and move right into marriage. But when are you really considered family and when is it that you are just a couple who dates but happen to live together? Are you a family when your partner buys a gym membership for himself and his kids but for $100.00/year more your partner could have included you and your kids? This is the situation my friend has encountered. It's sending the message that her partner considers them a couple when it comes to certain things like sex, companionship, and the security of having a loved one near. However, when it is something like a purchase that would be beneficial to all; he seems to only provide the perk for his family not hers. She's struggling and not as financially sound as her partner but does her best to contribute what she can- the man is able to provide for all without her help. I am not so sure this is a question of right or wrong as much as it's an are we a "we"? Is a message being sent to this woman- is it a sign of how the future will be if they marry?

Weigh in with your thoughts... Have your friends share their opinions on this too!

Searching For Just Sex

2007-12-23T12:09:00.000-06:00

What's the norm for online daters?
Getting ready for the holidays usually includes a nice manicure and pedicure, but rarely has it ever included a discussion with a stranger about where to go when you're looking for some fun and a night that will conclude with having sex. I was relaxing in the massaging chair and enjoying the peace and quite. I was the only customer in the place- the rest were at the malls with last minute shopping. In walked a woman who was just hoping the attendant would take her right away. She explained that she had a date and wanted the full service- nails and waxing she said. I didn't hear the particulars of what was being waxed guys but not for lack of trying; she seemed to have been whispering that part. It was all quiet when she sat down next to me and asked about my nail color. Next, she mentions that she is newly divorced and this is the first holiday she was going to spend without her kids. However, she said she was looking forward to it because she has started online dating and found that she never has to be lonely. Yippeee for her I was thinking, as well as reminiscing of how peaceful it was before she arrived. The inquiry into my life began-- had I ever dated anyone online and slept with them on the first night. You all should have seen my face as I tried to remain unfazed by the question as well as the soon to be admission on her part. She didn't seem to notice I didn't respond, and she began to tell her story. She really only looks for guys when she's lonely. Sometimes she'll strike up a conversation right away through email and then meet later for drinks. She doesn't seem to know much about the guys or even care to. I have met men who have told me that this happens frequently. Luckily, the men I have met are very kind and say they were taken back by this and not into it. Maybe that was true and maybe not but I don't really know differently. When I told my friend about my interesting conversation with an all too open stranger, how I asked all of these questions and revealed pretty much nothing, we were both commenting on our online dating experiences. We both said now we get it...men said we were refreshing because we really wanted to get to know them first? We didn't really understand what that meant but it was a reaction we both received when going on first dates and not even kissing good night. Maybe they had these offers way to often and it became monotonous. (do guys ever think that?)

What's your take on this side of online dating or meeting in chat rooms?

From a Tale of Two Brains

2007-12-19T15:36:00.000-06:00

Had to share this video clip about men and women...

http://marriageresourcecenter.org/videogallery/4/med/VideoWidget8.htm

Dating Resolutions

2007-12-17T20:14:00.000-06:00

A friend calls you very upset because...

His/her dating life isn't working out. Not a relationship but just meeting people and going on a few dates. He/She has tried online dating sites and is tired of signing up and creating creative and spunky usernames; so you don't even suggest that avenue. He/she has tried dating services where a house payment was spent upfront for a possibility of 13 wonderful dates that are just waiting to meet your friend and of course they are so different and special too. (Okay, it wasn't so special for them like that, in her case she already knew two of the prospects) So, usually what I hear next is: I am going to focus on the kids, I have too much to do, I travel all of the time so there's no way I can really date and build anything. Then they vacillate between the maybe's: Maybe I should get a new photo, maybe I should be more witty, maybe I shouldn't put so much on my profile, etc. The holiday's make this time especially worse for people wishing to be in a relationship and the pressure when meeting someone right around the holidays can scare some people right back into their flannel pajamas and pay-per-view movies. I listened to my friend go through all of the lists and then I suggested getting more focused on what she needs and wants as if that's an easy task for anyone. I know we all think we know what and whom we want but that isn't always who you fall in love with so you adjust. I told her to think of it like a New Year's Dating Resolution. Her first resolution she made is to be there for her kids on weeknights and one night over the weekend. She said that dating and juggling the kids wasn't easy for her or her kids. The rest she said she'll figure out as she goes along.

Have you made any dating resolutions? Feel free to share and maybe in an indirect way you'll be helping others get on their way.

Hmmmm

2007-12-14T17:27:00.000-06:00

Somewhere along the way my post about jealousy turned into women who don't know why men who say they love them won't marry them. It's beyond the giving it away for free theory at this point. The questions many have are:

When do I cut the bait and go fish in a new pond or just go and cut the bait and sit in the wading pool for awhile? Should there be a timeline? What factors do you all think should be considered when considering how to spend the rest of your life but possibly not getting something that's important to you?

Have You Ever?

2007-12-12T23:14:00.000-06:00

Have you ever:
avoided answering a relationship question because the truth of the answer would put change in motion and you're not ready for that? Do you avoid the question because you don't want to lie and the truth would be hurtful to your own relationship status quo or possibly bring about more questions?

Why do you think people tend to avoid having the "discussions"? What kind of discussions were you hoping to have in your relationships? Why don't you sometimes answer questions that you're loved one is asking? Maybe you're one of those who doesn't avoid any of this...why do you subscribe to that philosophy?

Vague with matters of the heart?

2007-12-11T20:38:00.000-06:00

" Almost doesn't hold much weight, especially in matters of the heart."

This is a quote that someone repeated to a friend during lunch. Discussion topic being- A woman was repeating the story about how the man she is dating said he's almost ready to commit long term.
We asked if she understood what long term and almost meant to him and that answer was a quick no.

What do you all think about the following words being used in matters of the heart when discussing commitment?

Almost
Possibly
Maybe one day soon
Soon
Working on it
Getting there
It's probable

Pick any, all, or add some to the list of "possibly" vague words to talk about with regard to the heart and a future.

Ponder and Answer

2007-12-07T05:07:00.000-06:00

What's the difference between "dating" a person and being in a "relationship"?

If you're in a relationship, is there a good time, bad time, and best time to talk about marriage?

Do we take levels of achievement too seriously?

2007-12-04T21:27:00.001-06:00

Came across this and thought I'd pass it on. It's regarding Perfectionism. Read and share your thoughts...(click link directly below)
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/04/health/04mind.html

Jealousy- The Green Eyed Monster

2007-12-03T22:46:00.000-06:00

Pointing fingers regarding opposite sex friends...jealousy or real trouble lurking?
Lately, I have been hearing a lot about how women have been accused of having someone always waiting around as a back-up plan. I've even been accused at times of the same. Ironically, the accuser seemed to be able to find a date within a 24hr. period without prior warning of a pending break up. Since I can remember back into my junior high school days, I always had close male friends. Some would say they were the "Nice Guy In Waiting" others know they were truly just my friends and only that. For whatever the reason, I still have male friends who are a wonderful addition to my life and also my kids. Those males date, have girlfriends, and some are married. Maybe one or two had been interested in something more- maybe not, but why the jealousy? I am not being naive when I ask...I understand there seems to "appear" to be a threat, but only a threat if that nice male friend is someone I'm attracted to and able to give me what the guy I date can't or won't. Guys who are afraid to commit or are waiting until they feel more comfortable with the future of the two, also seem to be afraid of losing out to someone. I know women who've said, "then jump on the track and get moving on to marriage or a ring with real intention." I know some women when they don't get what they want, they tend to confide in the "Nice Guy Waiting". That's what makes him so nice; he's there when necessary and understands it all with unwavering devotion, and isn't afraid to show his deep emotional side. Is the "Nice Guy Waiting" a purposeful distraction, a built-in barrier, maybe a pawn? Could the "Nice Guy Waiting" become "The Guy" because he didn't falter, didn't waiver, and accepted you just the way you are? There are plenty of "Nice Girls Waiting" too...I believe they use different tactics and depending on who they are; different agendas too.

If you're a "Nice Guy Waiting" tell us your point of view. If in this situation please share...

Relationships and a Magic Pill

2007-11-30T15:57:00.000-06:00

Is there a magic pill to cure your relationship problems?

There I am in a hospital cafeteria eavesdropping on a conversation; really I couldn't help myself because the person was pretty loud. She had just been given a prescription for an anti-depressant and told to start going to counseling while on this medication. It seems that if she takes this medicine, goes to counseling, and starts to feel better; she will dumb her boyfriend. (All of this in a magic pill?) Her friend exclaimed, "that would be a start and then what pill will you need once you realize you are alone?" The two women just stared silently at each other while I waited to hear a reply that never seemed to come. How many times have you questioned yourself in a relationship...you know the is it me or is it him/her driving me to be this way? Have you ever listened to your friends complain about their loved one and think your friend may have the problem and not the one they're complaining about? What if you did take or maybe you do take a pill that helps you take an edge off, see clearer, or just helps you handle life better- would/do you see your past and/or current relationships in a different light?

The new relationship at work

2007-11-27T02:13:00.000-06:00

Less than lovers...what do you call that?

My friend calls me from work to tell me that on her desk was an article regarding being more than friends and less than lovers - at work. Her boss thought she'd find it an interesting read. This is where both parties are attracted to each other but it's very clear that's a line that won't be crossed. They don't do things together outside of the office but while at work; share their most intimate details of their outside life as well as their professional life. In the past few years, I am always entertained by my friend's stories about her co-worker. It's as if they're so close and almost like a couple yet- not. My friend is married and I know she wouldn't cross the boundary line and her co-worker is a divorced male, in his late 40's with two kids out of college, who takes time to engage in a dating life. She says they work on projects together and sometimes have to travel together and it's clear that neither will be anything less than professional BUT, the nature of the conversations and advice handed out amongst them would make it seem there had been a more involved life between them. There isn't any touching even in a warm hug or rub of a shoulder but if she landed a deal- that's who would know first and vice-versa. The Post-It Note on the article read, " See you are a trend setter." In my friend's situation it's just who she is and her husband's okay with it all and seems to understand. Her husband works with a lot of females and there's daily collaboration time between them. There's a woman at his work with whom he's close to and would confide in. They both feel it's an outside part of who they are as a couple and probably lessens the tension from work when they arrive home. They are both fine with it as long as it stays in the office and doesn't become part of their outside lives and activities.

Is this a trend, a problem or both? Why do you think it even goes on? Share your thoughts and your stories...

mate poaching

2007-11-25T05:57:00.000-06:00

Mate Poaching?

I came across a study and article about "mate poaching". According to Dr. Fischer, "This is the practice of stealing a partner away who is already taken." The article said that 60% of men and 53% of women admit to doing this. Think about this...these are the numbers of only those that will admit to it. It's stressful enough to just think about someone coming along and stealing your love away from you and that your love could be so easily swayed to go, but now add in having to compete for them. Would you? "Dr. Fisher points out that a little competition also pushes us to become more caring, attentive, and in short, better mates."

Would you compete to keep the one you love? Do you think the competition would be a positive for you and your relationship?

2007-11-21T15:19:00.000-06:00

It's the holiday time and that means spending more quality time with the one you love...How do you view that time spent talking? If your perception is your reality then do you trust it and go with it when your loved one is telling you EXACTLY what they are thinking and feeling? Do you try to negate the facts and only listen for some slip up of the truth instead of what the person is really trying to convey? To me this would seem self - sabotaging so why do some people do it? Do you think it's mainly a gender specific problem?

2007-11-19T11:41:00.000-06:00

Lowering your expectations to fit the one you love- would you consider it settling for less or finding a way to get what you want?

Explain...

2007-11-16T03:44:00.000-06:00

"You are the star in my Cinderella Story" / "You are the co-star of my Peter Pan life" How will it ever work out? Can these two come together as one? Does "one" mean you can't have autonomy when combined with another?

I have kept up with the studies of human relationships for the last twenty years however, in talking with marriage counselors and family therapists, their version is-- it depends on where you live or what generation you're from that will sway the findings as well as how and what questions were asked. They brought up that there's a lot of gray that isn't touched on in the surveys. If in your forties on up, the statistics are saying there's a rise in women living alone and for the most part choosing too? I don't know, in my very small sample, in my little Midwestern town, where everything around me is somewhat a carbon copy yet 20 minutes away the demographic changes, the women that talk with me feel they are single and alone by DEFAULT. They've made the best of not remarrying, but each one added in some form that it isn't because they didn't find the one for them. They usually said it was because the one for them didn't really want to grow up and take on the realities of life again (like when they were married) they'd prefer to live in the fantasy world of "one day, I hope to marry you, I'm working on it." Maybe that statement is true for some...they hope and they're working on it...but indefinitely? There's the Toys R Us jingle..."I don't want to grow up," There's the movie "Big" where Tom Hanks tries out being an adult and would prefer to be a kid. I heard a group of forty on up guys talking when a friend of theirs said he's getting engaged over the weekend. It was like he was a defector of a cult. Strange thing is, the other members of this cult were married men. This guy would be joining them in a few months. They gave him trouble and teased him about his freedom and being treated like a king would be over. The women in the room couldn't control their laughter or comments. One woman loudly said, " grow up boys, this is the real world, we don't wear french maid outfits, we don't do windows, we don't make as much as you, we won't care that you had a hard day doing the job you did before we were married so you can live this life whether we're in it or not, and we won't care that we can't and won't live up to your expectations" In reply another women said, " Except for the job thing, I guess we are a lot like you guys." I am all too well aware that they make getting married so easy and divorce very costly, time consuming, and emotionally draining. I've seen men out celebrating their divorces and women out having coffee mulling over the courtroom details of the end and the start of a new beginning.

Any thoughts on these differences?

2007-11-11T23:21:00.000-06:00

Well...from the last few days my friends and I have surmised that closure is an issue with some people. Finding closure, giving closure to others, moving on and staying out of others relationships. We've also surmised that there's a frustration that as much as we'd like these others to stay out of our relationships, those "others" aren't fully aware there IS another relationship.

How do you find closure?

Would it matter to you if the object of your unrequited affection is involved with someone else?

Infidelity...what's your definition?

2007-11-10T09:07:00.000-06:00

Infidelity:
An article was sent to me about infidelity and what it means today. It asks, " When do innocent but flirty emails become something different? Does a kiss count as adultery?" It points out that there are so many ways to meet people today even in an invisible way such as online: through message boards, forums, gaming,blogging, chatting by text, and of course online dating sites where some people will just chat online. However, I don't view those invisible ways to be non-intrusive. I am sure my opinion is no surprise to those who know me. Emails that are subliminally flirtatious have a purpose- the email alone has a purpose and one that doesn't always fit the current status of the relationship, amount of time spent in the relationship, or reflective of both parties feelings; yet they elicit a response, keep one feeling in the know and somehow unnecessarily still connected. Do you let the initiator of the email, chat, text know that you are currently seeing someone or just reply which may foster the connected feeling? What about that so called friendly kiss that didn't feel so innocent? What's your point of view on betrayal?

Is thought alone a betrayal? Is it the intention that's wrong or does an all-out sexual encounter need to take place to consider it infidelity?

Dating through chaos

2007-11-04T23:52:00.000-06:00

In a private email, I was asked how do I go about dating if my life is sometimes in chaos? The email went on to say that this person assumes that one day I wish to marry again, but if there's chaos, will someone really still date me/even consider marriage, and how do I handle going on the date?

This really is a great question and one that I've had to revisit countless times in the past few years. Looking back through the past I knew when I could date and when I couldn't. It was difficult when I found myself ready to date and then life changed, availability changed, my kids needs changed, time was limited, energy was limited and allotted only for my kids as they were in need of a full time - hands on parent and driver. Did I and do I wish to marry again? Most definitely, but imagine being my date on a Friday night and I find out that even though it's not my weekend with kids, I suddenly have them and now only have one to two hours to get to know you. I will be driving my own car at all times to be able to pick up my kids. After a couple of dates, we start to hit it off but one of my kids gets sick and I can't see you or even talk with you all week because I am running off to labs, doctors, and taking care of both kids and/or I have had to deal with something else that's draining. I'd hope you'd see that even though it's a temporary situation- it still happens every now and then. If this hasn't scared you away and believe it or not it usually doesn't, you'll ask me out again when you think I have a night free or I get someone to come over. I accept the offer and while out on that date, it's clear that I'm exhausted. I find this very hard to believe but really understand the premise of why a man would still ask me out again. I've been told that rarely do you get to see real life with someone, it's clear I show up with a "what you see is what you get attitude" so no hidden agenda. Men have said right away they get to see how I handle stress and pressure and if my priorities are in the right place (the kids). But is my mind on "is this guy marriage material?" Not really at all. When this is all going on and I'm running around trying to make it all work out, when really I need to stay home even if it's my one night to myself, I'm thinking that I'm just lucky that I met a really good/nice person as far as I can tell. If this person gives me the impression that they're needy, demanding, and can't handle or understand the mental and emotional strain of what's going on...they're not for me in the long run. The last thing I need when this chaotic time hits is someone making me feel bad that I wasn't there to answer a phone or to see them because I was taking care of my kids, talking with medical professionals, insurance people, catching up on bills, or just taking a moment to breathe. This chaotic time has hit a few times as I said and I have met wonderful people during that time that I'm still friends with. There were one or two that it was obvious that they weren't cut out for this type of real life. They're about themselves and their needs being met no matter how mentally and physically exhausted I was. There were those who expected to see growth in the relationship during that time but those people didn't see how much they were gone traveling, out with the guys, workaholics, too tired to give, etc. They would ask me when would I be able to give to the relationship but couldn't see they weren't around for me to even give it if I could. That doesn't work for the long haul if they are projecting that kind of blame and not taking responsibility for it at all or changing it. I don't apologize anymore for this being my life. I think I have a great life with challenges. I'd rather have these things than something worse. I used to feel bad that someone wanted to get to know me and I wanted to know them but it wasn't working out. I sometimes do curtail my dating depending on what is causing the chaos. If it's the kids and my full time and attention is needed for a short period of time, than heading out to meet someone new is probably not in anyone's best interest. Otherwise, I make an attempt. I do believe there are people who come into your life for a reason. Many of them are still in it in different capacities. I'm glad I didn't look at them as only marriage material or for them to see me only in that way. We'd have missed out on a friendship. Sometimes when these times hit one of them will be there to help out me and the kids. I think each date should be thought of as a chance to meet a great person. Who knows where they'll end up fitting in your life. They might be the future for the rest of your life, someone to get you over a rough time, or someone who becomes a great friend. If you think about it each date you meet is a chance to learn about someone, learn something new and learn more about yourself. How can that be a bad thing...

Do you only date to get married and what do you do if you are dating and it's a chaotic time for the person you're meeting?

Can you ever have enough drama?

2007-11-03T09:43:00.000-05:00

There are Drama Queens and I've met a few Drama Kings that think everything is worse that happens to them or they exaggerate the problems. Recently, I learned how there are Drama Queens and Kings who are all about the drama but in a completely different way. They have a dismissive attitude. A psychiatrist and a family counselor described it the same way. There are these people who no matter what you say or tell them, they will tell you that you are the first person who has ever said this. Even better one of the doctors said, is the person who says, "I find it hard to believe, because I have never seen that happen." My counselor friend's opinion was joined by two other human behavior professionals in describing how people are put on the defensive by this type of comment and it's a pattern one uses to dismiss the importance or relevant nature of the problem. Therefore, taking away a chance to explain, vent, or as one doctor put it allow the person to jockey for position of having it not so good and getting their needs met. I couldn't believe a friend of mine who said that she wished sometimes she had the problems others had because her life is so boring and no one buys her gifts to cheer her up and no one feels bad for her. Her life just floats along... A school counselor talked to me once about grown men and women who feel that they have it bad like someone else but they just don't complain or wish they had it different when in reality...their difficulty may be something they brought on or chose such as a lofty lifestyle and wanting to keep up with it. There are days I can hardly believe the events that take place in my own life...I look back and I am glad that I have the wherewith all to roll with it for the most part and to also think I am lucky that I don't have other issues in my life that some deal with. In the past week I have learned that in many aspects of my life...my chances of certain events that have happened are in the minority. I have listened to people try to tell me all of their opinions and debunk the experts. I am not saying the experts can't be wrong, but I find it interesting that people wish to add more drama to my difficult time and others wish to take away from the fact that it is more difficult than anything they've dealt with. Not that I care, I just agree with them that their life is harder because they truly think it is. I had someone tell me they couldn't believe an interesting fact I repeated from a professional who counsels children. The person trying to derail the impact of the statement, doesn't work with children and never has except for the fact they have kids. They are not well versed in the human emotional side of life. Again, the doctors words as to why someone would do this...they want to dismiss this and take away from what you believe or feel because there is an inadequacy taking place inside of them and creating more drama or even putting up a wall. Let's face it, it's hard to get close or stay close to someone like that. The doctor explained that these people base things as facts and again put you on the defense instead of realizing your view is yours and most likely since you were there, it's a more accurate view.

What's your opinion about people who are jealous by other people's drama?

The Bucket List

2007-10-31T12:29:00.000-05:00

Do you have a bucket list?

There's a movie coming out with Jack Nicholson called "The Bucket List". The list consists of things you've always wanted to do before you kick the bucket. Without giving away any of the story line...I want to share a couple of quotes from the preview:

"Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it."

"You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you."

Enjoy and share your thoughts on these and what they mean to you....

I Shaved My Legs For This? Men read on...

2007-10-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

Last night I enjoyed talking with an old friend who happens to be about 15 years younger. She recently got divorced and she's been dating; having the "friends with benefits", and just a movie going guy. One man is from her past, one from right before she married, and one new man she just met. I enjoyed listening to the dating adventures and how even at her age, they were matching much of my own. Okay, that may mean she's dating more mature men or I am dating immature ones. Or, it could mean -- men are just men no matter what age they are.(Trying to be diplomatic) After her divorce; she expressed the need to just be admired, comforted, and to feel sexy hence, the friends with benefits. She shared how great it was to get ready to go out and primp. She felt feminine and always made sure she was well groomed. She added...she never forgot to shave her legs. All I could do was laugh at this (inside joke). Now she's gotten interested in the man she just met. She said the getting ready is getting old, the primping is tiresome and time consuming, and shaving her legs is an afterthought. I added, that it's getting colder here so not such a problem hiding that. She has equated not caring about shaving her legs to how much she likes this man. That it must be a sign. A man older than both of us joined in. His take from a man's perspective was if she doesn't shave her legs it only means she's more comfortable with the man. Men, please do not show up unshaven for a date with me to send the message that you are comfortable with me. Then, we turned the tables and asked this man what he used to do to get ready for dates and did it matter who it was he was getting ready for...He said that's why he ended up getting married, he got tired of the whole scene and would rather just be home with someone and dinners out with the same person. He also said that he caved on many of the things he thought he wanted because he wasn't finding it along with the love. He loves his wife and that's who he wants to go through time with....Ahhhh so sweet! My friend said maybe she'll try laser hair removal then it won't matter. She'll always be ready!

What do you do when you get ready for a date and does it change based on what you feel about the person? What thoughts go through your mind? If you've been dating someone for awhile, what are your thoughts compared to the beginning?

The WOW Factor

2007-10-26T20:43:00.000-05:00

I was excused from attending a committee meeting and was told that it was a reward for my efforts and contribution to the group. Many thoughts came to mind about how to spend that now free time...such as: should I get my nails done, take a nap before my kids get home, meet a friend for coffee. Instead, I went to the meeting; I was curious about what I was missing. On the board was a list of the names of the people who were told they didn't need to show up. On the screen was this saying,

" Every one of you have experienced a WOW! How many of you have given it?"

The assignment for the day was to somehow motivate these people into stepping it up a notch. I couldn't believe this was how the leader was going to go about motivating these people. Yes, it pointed out that maybe they hadn't gone the extra step but maybe they don't want to and are just fine with the results and/or themselves. One attendee said, "If I wanted to be a WOW person, I would have been born that way." Then, it all came back to me about a man I used to date who explained, there are just some women who were born with that WOW factor. They just walk in a room, smile bright eyed and warm, and have a magnetic personality he said in a ruminating tone. His friends added, that's the one you want to be with forever ... they might drive you crazy but have the WOW factor. So, in the dating world, I guess one would want to posses the factor that makes men go WOW. When rehashing this event and thoughts with a group of women...well...they explained that men have to have the WOW factor for these ladies to notice them, date them, and marry them. It usually came down to a warm inviting smile, charismatic personality, and a general ease about the guy that said he was self-assured in any social setting.

What do you think? What does the WOW factor mean to you and is it important for the long haul?

Gold Digger/Honest/ You Decide?

2007-10-23T19:57:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me: Taken from Craigslist from the Wall Street Journal. A woman wrote...

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

An investment banker responded to Craigslist. The comment can be found when clicking the comment portion below. Share your thoughts...

Root Cause Analysis

2007-10-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

Have you ever looked at your relationship and thought, "I wonder what the REAL cause is for this happening this way in our relationship?"

In businesses when there is a problem or breakdown; even a reoccurring accident, a committee or personnel department may begin the root cause analysis process. One of my responsibilities as a committee member was to be in charge of compliance. There were specific rules and regulations that were to be followed in many areas of communication and personnel. Amongst those given to me was website design and function. I frequently had to monitor the sites and make sure the designs and postings followed procedure. On another committee I was given training in root cause analysis.This was to better help me define the problems with compliance as well as apply these skills to a long range planning strategic focus group. Who knew such cold business words would translate into my warm and fuzzy real life. There was a discussion on "Six Sigma" and why in this particular field it wouldn't work. Motorola uses this process and it seems to be working for them. But, the field I was working in was more of a person-to-person field and less machine or assembly line oriented. Therefore, it was suggested that we use the "5 Why's" which Toyota uses. The idea is that if you continue to ask the "Why" then the nature of the problem as well as the solution become clear. You can treat a problem by masking it or just dealing with a symptom of it, but the general principles of Root Cause Analysis are: Once you identify the root cause you can more effectively work to put corrective measures in place. The root cause analysis is a systematic approach and conclusions can be backed up. Also, as in life, there is usually more than one root cause for any problem or situation. We had to break into small groups and work the process with a given problem and add a more human touch to the principles and process. We were told once the process is finished we need to go back and find a place to compromise or just even give in to get the outcome we so desire or can't be successful without. Then, the speaker said, if you're married and you know how to work on your relationship, you must be an expert at this. I had a smirk on my face while thinking that both people need to know how to do this and have the want to do this or forget it. "Working on it" is a relative phrase I ended up saying under my breath. The reply from my group..."You betcha!" One of the members said, "You are coming in loud and clear." His follow up words of wisdom were, "This works in many businesses and can work in a relationship but both people have to be willing to work with the cause and effect of the problem otherwise it's just a witch hunt to give someone their walking papers." He then was introduced to be the next speaker. He is a mediator.

Do you think people really want to solve the problems in their relationships or figure it's just easier to move on? Do they stick to their ground because they already put up a fight and want to see how far they can go to get what they want? This does not apply to those who barely get off the ground or have only dated six months to a year. I am asking this question of those who really have ties and entanglement.

Don't know what you want? Try this...

2007-10-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

A little poem:

"Whenever you're called on to make up your mind, and you're hampered by not having any, the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find, is simply by spinning a penny. No - not so that chance shall decide the affair while you're passively standing there moping; but the moment the penny is up in the air, you suddenly know what you're hoping. "

-Piet Hein, Poet and Scientist (1905-1996)

Apply this if you will to life and love...

Two Choices

2007-10-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

Two Choices: This was sent to me and I hope you'll take the time to read it to the end even if you scroll through most of it...take the time to get the message.

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Go about your day as if you didn't see this
2. Forward ( you can click the envelope below w/the arrow to make it easier if you wish)

May your day, be a Shay Day.

How do you view success and failure?

2007-10-16T19:27:00.000-05:00

Success and Failure:

"Men are born to succeed, not fail." - Henry David Thoreau

" We learn from our mistakes, without them we wouldn't have a measure for success."
-Anonymous

We all make mistakes in our lives and hopefully we all have experienced success as well. Some view life as a melting pot of all their experiences that make up who they are today. So, why do people prefer to remember our faults rather than glorify the success? There are relationships that don't make it and are considered failures. Others view the fact that they stayed in it and worked hard a success; even though they may not be together anymore. I have been in long term committed relationships and then dated others who think that's really a great and telling trait; that I know what it takes and how to hold it all together in a long term commitment and that's viewed as a success. In fact, I have been told that's an attractive trait. (not sure about that one) No one has ever said to me the fact that I am no longer with those people is a failure. That has always surprised me somewhat because we didn't really attempt to spend that kind of time together to end up separate. So, if the outcome is the opposite outcome of what we had intended, is it a failure? I once told a friend to remind me of the downside of a relationship with a particular person, so I'd never go back. The faults weren't staying in my head like the saying goes. I was able to remember in that relationship,that staying together for the time that we did was a success, but also a success in knowing when to let go, not go back, and move on. I know the other person involved looked upon the ending as failure. To that I would say, " It's better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all." The song, " I Hope You Dance" is what most people hope for their children in many facets of life...in love, maybe there's one true love and maybe there's more than one in a lifetime, but to have that chance of knowing the feeling is better than not. To me, failing is sitting it out, success is taking the chance and seeing it through to the end, even if the outcome isn't what you set out for whether it be in love or life in general.

Is it how you look at success that makes the difference of whether it really is? Is it a glass half full concept? Does it need to be all or nothing to be successful?

Life...how do you measure it?

2007-10-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

How do you measure a life?

I can still remember the day I was asked in seventh grade to write an essay about life. My paper had the appropriate heading, date, and hour of the class however, it also contained only one symbol instead of words. I placed in the dead center of the page a very bright pink question mark. I handed it to the teacher who wasn't really happy and grumbled to me that I needed to explain and so I did. I told him that I am in seventh grade and I have no idea about life; I just do what I'm told some to most of the time. A smile came over him and looking back I am now thinking why didn't he have me read someone elses paper for insight, but instead he asked," What do you want to write about that has to do with life?" Digging through some boxes in the basement I came across the final answer to that project. The essay became "How do you Measure a Life". Giving myself a couple of pats here; it wasn't half bad. Little did I know, I would be living my life according to much of what I wrote in seventh grade. I mentioned such things as giving back to the community by volunteering, donating your time to helping children, stepping up to help a friend in need, being there for your family when they need you, and being a true friend. I really didn't have much more than that at the time. But, the essay started out with the line..."Some people measure a life by how many people come to the funeral." I found this ironic because this essay was found amongst letters from one of my closest friends in Junior High who had passed and I wasn't able to go to the funeral. There were many people there, but the friends that were closest and who his life had brought so much happiness to, were not able to make it. Does that mean his life didn't have much meaning or that he didn't touch the lives of many? Not at all and to the contrary. Since my kids have been born, I have lived a life for my children. I am still a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend, etc. However, my choices and sacrifices have mainly been for my kids. So, I pondered the thought, do their successes and failures measure the kind of life I led? Nature versus nurture I thought, you could raise two kids through the same times and still have different results. So, what if my kids were the only ones who came to my funeral? If they are proud to be my kids, then I have lived a great and highly measurable life. The last line of my essay way back in seventh grade was the quote, " To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

How do you measure a life?

Work Environment/Relationship Environment

2007-10-12T16:10:00.000-05:00

I heard a report on the radio about the work environment and bosses. It was said that when people are unhappy with their boss they take a passive - aggressive approach. A couple of the examples cited were: changing some numbers and the mistake appears to be the bosses, less effort being put in the work, taking off when not sick, etc. In other words, if the busy bee isn't getting any honey from the boss (accolades and positive feelings) then the boss shouldn't expect it to be sweet. I also went online and found something pertinent to the workplace and brought it up with my friends at lunch. (You can see the questions below) I joked with a man about a husband and wife having to answer these questions in order to rate satisfaction and being fully engaged. Many CEO's in the study had a hard time determining which of their employees were engaged, content, or disengaged. Hmmm, sounds like many husbands and wives. There was training on attitude adjustments for these bosses included in the research. For example it was suggested that the boss stop trying to change people and start trying to help them become more of who they already are. It was also suggested that the boss realize that although they may make the big bucks; it's their underpaid middle management that they can't do without. This was suggested to bring about more people being engaged in their jobs. Here are some of the questions the employees where asked. Think of these as a boss, employee, and a spouse...

"Do I know what is expected of me at work?
Do I have the materials and equipment that I need in order to do my work right? In the past seven days, have I received recognition or praise for doing good work?
Does my supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about me as a person?
Is there someone at work who encourages my development?
At work, do my opinions seem to count?
Are my coworkers committed to doing quality work?
Do I have a best friend at work?

Just an interesting exercise of life... Feel free to express your opinion on this.

Puppets and Puppet Masters

2007-10-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

Are you the puppet or puppet master?

When one thinks of being the "master" and in charge it sounds like someone who has earned it and would hopefully use this knowledge and place of power for good. That title is used for good but only for the good of the puppet master. Many years ago, I attended a seminar on cooperators, competitors, influencers as well as manipulators. The discussion began with a role play of the Prisoners Dilemma Game that was actually developed by a mathematician. In this game there was an actual formula that could be used to figure out the situation of cooperation or manipulation. I will leave the link to information on the bottom of the page. Maybe you have spent time in a relationship with someone who has been a positive influence in your life but if the influence crosses the inappropriate lines into manipulation, the relationship can start to have problems. There's a big difference in someone saying can I fix you up with a handsome, stable, funny, cultured guy who is a great influence on people? And, I have this guy I want to fix you up with. He's handsome, stable, funny, cultured, and manipulating. Can I give him your number? You can't always know these things up front and some learn the hard way. We have been talking on here about when does enough mean enough, cake and eating it too, and of course the you can't have the cow and get the milk for free idea. I don't know anyone who wants to give up what they love and enjoy. Therefore, some people in relationships do what they can to keep the other person there. It may be called stringing along, but in any event they seem to know the right words or actions to keep you there. It may even be the challenge of trying to get what you want and the puppet master makes you think you're oh so close to getting it if you just stay with it...For them, this isn't happening by accident- just to you it is. Maybe you've been in relationships where you keep going back and they keep asking or wanting you to. With each break up, you figure out more about how to come together. (hopefully) However, with each step you take forward with a manipulator, you may also learn what it is that keeps you there, or something is said at just the right time that opens the gate and allows you to permanently leave. Once you do figure out the pattern that's keeping you there, you are able to change it and redirect the movement. Some manipulators don't like when things are shaken up whether it be by the pattern changing, your feelings changing, or the introduction of someone new or even an new hobby. The manipulator will feel like they're losing control over you and the situation. They want certain results and when they don't get them, they will move on to someone else that they think they can eventually control or at least think they have some control in general. Some manipulators will secretly hope that this moving on technique or choice in some way, will also influence you to be jealous and scared and you'll shape up. The day the puppet has had enough and ends the cycle of the manipulating relationship, the puppet master has lost.

It's important to note that this isn't necessarily only in love relationships. This can happen in many different kinds of relationships. This could happen between co-workers, friends, etc.

http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/prisoner-dilemma/

Do you have the time?

2007-10-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

Time and space in relationships...

In some relationships the couples are trying so hard to figure out how to get the me time and space that they need. but, in others, some are finding they want to see each other more. Each person is twisting themselves trying to control the impulse to call or text for fear their thoughtfulness or need will drive the other away. Someone wrote in on a comment that a suggestion would be to give advice about this. I do know where that's coming from....and I will do my best to address it from just my perspective. Everything has a balance and finding the one that fits with you or your combined life is tricky. Finding the right balance of spending time and allowing for space is not easy if the two people involved don't verbalize their needs. Most people are afraid they will lose this person if they really shared who they are and what their needs are. The truth is...you'll weed out those that aren't for you, open the door for those that are, and by verbalizing your need for time/space the person you love will have a better idea of how to meet those needs. We are all so busy in our daily life with whatever it is. Some things we choose to occupy our time and others are our responsibility. Some people want to know they are being thought of or want the check - in call just to say hi and keep the connection going. However, what if you are someone who doesn't call each night or check - in during those early stages? As much as I am busy in the evenings, that call is a great call because you are the last voice I hear even if it is on my voicemail. I also know some guys want to get that voicemail because they really are just making that maintenance call and hope to fall fast asleep after the beep. It's the person that you want to talk with but (you are still old fashioned, so you don't call) they don't call who makes you start feeling like your needs aren't going to get met. I know so many women who want those calls and the time. I know so many men, probably one for every woman who has told me that the biggest problem in their relationships is time and they don't seem to give the woman enough of it and the women complain that the men are always too tired. Usually, this has been told to me after they've shared their weeks events of football games in and out of town, work happy hours,binge drinking with the guys, rounds of golf and so on...then they complain they just a want to find the right woman and get married. All I can do is laugh and wonder if they hear themselves and see why their relationships may be falling a bit short. It also becomes clear that they want a woman who can conform to their schedule of availability and not need them at any other time. Heck, I want that too in a man and then my life would be really easy. If only I could just snap my fingers or even rub a magic lamp and make it happen. Actually, I really would prefer it. I am there for my kids right now all of the time. I am not able to be away as much or drive over to a guys house to visit as I'm on kid patrol on school nights. I have appreciated the people who understand this and are able to accomodate it best while feeling it's worth it and not feeling owed in some way. People who know me know that I am a big believer in momentum in a relationship especially in the beginning. That's very hard to do when everyone is so busy...but even spending time doing a mundane chore like running errands, or even exercising is great. When you can keep the momentum going you are that much closer to a deeper bond. You are the one who is there and it doesn't leave room for anyone else to jump in as the "games people play" mentioned. I told my friend I would write a little about this and give the flip side of I need space. She just snickered and said, " if they snooze, they lose."

How do you stay so close?

2007-10-08T09:06:00.000-05:00

Attachment in relationships...

This weekend in a moment of despair and in need of guidance, I picked up the phone and called my friend of 36 years. I knew she would have all of the answers I needed to guide me on my way. Along with the answers, she made me laugh, pointed out my strengths, and assured me that if anyone could get this problem worked out it would be me. I love my cheerleader friends. When I hung up, a plan was in the works. She had gone down this road before me and knew where I needed to go with this challenge. By the conversation one would think we talk everyday or at least a couple of times a week. Not the case at all, we talk maybe once a month or less. Later that same day, I spent time with a dear friend that I haven't even known a decade. He helped me calm down, listened to my plan of action,took my mind off of things, but with him as with my friend I know we have the three important traits that form deep attachments. They're known as "common knowledge, mutual understanding, and shared meaning." AKA: Being around someone who gets us, knows and accepts us, understands how we feel. How do you do it? This question is always asked of me after the shock wears off of how my friends since kindergarten are still in my life. As with relationships, time is an important factor. If it can be spent talking, listening and sharing diverse experiences whether they're good ones or bad, than a deeper bond is more of a reality. People have a fundamental need to be understood. When I called my friends, I picked a select few in this time of need. I called someone very strong who I knew only had a minute and would give me the information for the next step. Next, I called my longtime friend because I could combine her knowledge but I knew she wouldn't treat me like I wasn't capable of taking care of the problem, even though I was asking for advice, she knew me and knew to guide me but not control and tell me what I should do, she gave me options and again made me laugh and laughed with me that somehow this got added to the plate. But, the first call I made after I would've called my mom but knew she wasn't home, was to my friend who I knew I could cry to for a little, who I knew would understand if for a moment I was feeling overwhelmed and why, who also knew that I would be processing the information all day but also want to be sidetracked and enjoy the day. I didn't have to back up in the information and explain why I was upset. All I can say is it's been time well spent, whether it be with a friend in those early years, or even one in just a few years...I can't even remember how we all became so entwined, but I do know it started with being ourselves, accepting one another, and sharing in the understanding of each others ups and downs whether we were in the picture at the time or not.

Just something to think about when asking how to form deeper attachments...
If you have any advice for those who want to achieve this, please add your comments....

stalking or just missing you?

2007-10-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

Stalking:
" Stalking can be disturbing and even dangerous, regardless of whether the stalker has malicious intent. Stalkers are invariably obsessed and may, in some cases, be delusional (i.e. hold beliefs that are unrealistic or irrational). Being the target of a stalker can be a very unsettling, confusing, and an anxiety-provoking experience." - Villanova University-

Somewhere on this site a person wrote in about a break up and wanting to drive by the house but she wasn't really sure what she was going to do once she was there. I asked a police officer if this was considered stalking. He said one drive by wouldn't really be considered stalking but repetitive ones, would be. I brought this up around a mixed group of men and women of all ages. I consider these people to be of sound mind and appear to be quite normal. There were many who have clear boundaries and understand others. However, a few of the women said they did drive by once to one old boyfriend to see if he was with someone or even home at all. Each said that once they did it, they felt so stupid because it proved nothing and they were more afraid of him finding them in the neighborhood and they never wanted to feel that fear again. I always felt my time would be better served doing something productive like having fun finding a new boyfriend rather than wasting time on the old. But, oh boy, the stories the men told...It was always a friend they knew who did the stalking or repetitive drive by. Some said their friends knew where the woman would be and then show up there in a public place. It could appear as if they just were there by coincidence, but the guys said the girls never bought the story. No restraining orders were mentioned but it was a creepy conversation. It was also clear this goes on after break ups and one of the parties is feeling they had more than was actually felt on the other side or that in some way they were lied to and want to know the truth. Can you predict who will be a stalker? I didn't really research that part but I think the part about being unrealistic or irrational is an important factor. Can you see that in a person you are dating? I think so and again it goes back to boundaries. If you feel your space is being violated then something is amiss. If your instincts are telling you that they see this relationship to be more than you see and they are ignoring your words that you aren't wanting more than you already have with them, than you need to trust those instincts and make a very clear statement setting very clear limits. That doesn't mean these people will turn into stalkers it just means that you need to be very clear in your statements and in setting limits.

Share your stories and/or ask a question regarding this...

Oh The Games People Play

2007-10-04T22:44:00.000-05:00

"Oh the games people play now every night and every day now. Never meaning what they say, never saying what they mean."

These words are to a song from many years ago and really wasn't referring to love relationships, but it certainly applies. Then, I looked up some articles on the games people play in relationships to see what the experts think about this. Not to my surprise, I found some who said game playing is a normal part of a relationship and some who said a relationship is not a place to play games. There was one article that really caught my eye because it had relevance to me outside of relationships. I have been trying to get across to my child that it may be true he may never use his knowledge of cells that he's learning about in school but he's getting an invaluable lesson of how to play the game. The college diploma says, "You successfully negotiated the college experience, which requires emotional resilience and intellectual capabilities" Like an employer, there are people who are looking for skillful game playing partners. Keeping your emotions at a distance may help and be necessary in some cases. I have noticed that keeping emotions intact for some is difficult but what if it meant getting what you want in the end? Sulking is one thing the loser of the game seems to do but also a skillful player may think this is a game playing tactic that may just work. ( I don't like it but some do) One of the rules of engagement (no pun intended) that I have always observed is, it's best to know you're opponent and if you don't learn quickly than you better rely on knowing human nature and picking out the personality disorders. I also use the one: A best defense is a great offense. Again, be prepared and know the game you entered. You may find out you are just a pawn in this game...what will you do then? You may also find out that you, the king, have been knocked off your thrown by your own hesitations and lack of movement, or even the possibility that the queens ban together and get rid of you. There's always the game of "Pick Up Sticks" where even the slightest wrong move causes you to lose the game. Sometimes in my life, I think I am playing "How Many Monkeys in a Barrel". But, going back to the king being knocked of his thrown...you can only move back and forth so many times acting like you want to own the kingdom while protecting your other interests before you are going to end up losing it all and being overthrown. However, don't you play the game to win? By playing in the first place, some feel you are sending the message you think this person is worth winning. I have watched people who are afraid of losing the one person they love but instead of playing the game wisely and setting up the foundation like you would a card table for an ongoing game of Monopoly or Life, they attack it with an unsteady surface and their minds on other games so the strategy is off. That is still game playing but ineffective at best and therefore not really admired since the skill is lacking and they aren't really even available to hold all of their cards.

You get the point I am sure so share your stories and what you did when dealing with a game player. (This is not a "player" in the sense of womanizer.) This is good old fashioned...games people play to keep or get the one they love.

Mindset...

2007-10-03T07:47:00.000-05:00

Mindset:
"A fixed mental attitude or disposition that predetermines a person's responses to and interpretations of situations. " "An inclination or a habit."

You take you and your mindset on a date with someone who doesn't seem to share yours down to the core but on the surface could connect. What do you do? If you've been previously married, you might be discussing exes or spouses who have passed. Now, you're talking about the exes and you notice that you're stating the facts and your date when talking about his/her ex has real disappointment, negative opinions, and anger toward their ex. It seems to be about something really less disconcerting in the grand scheme of things, yet you are seeing they're mad they don't have control, disappointed that this person will never be what they wanted them to be, or maybe just bitter at the fact the marriage is over. If you aren't this kind of person, it probably doesn't jive with you and your mindset. It also is telling you something about them and I'm sorry to say but if you're generally a positive person, your dates negativity and lack of smiles, and frowning facial expressions are going to wear thin on you. You just might positively say, I think you're great but not for me...So, I ask you, who would this person be great for? You don't have to be spiritual or deep but you will notice most people all have a mindset that is consistent on a daily basis. Their responses to stories and situations seem to show others who they are, what they're made of, and their perspective on life. If you are fraternizing with colleagues at work; you may notice they all have a script. There'll be the one who eventually will take the lead and get things done, the one who will never be happy with even a positive review, or the person who always wants to quit for years but never does and can afford to do so. This is mindset. Can it be reset? Sure, but it takes a lot of work and of course seeing the glass half full.

Seven years ago someone once asked me what was the best thing I did in the last five years and it can't include my kids. I said, I filed for divorce. The next question they asked was what was the hardest thing I did? I said, I filed for divorce having no clue what was in store but knew I couldn't go back and really had no other choice. His reply, " You passed the test of life. You're best accomplishment so far was overcoming your hardest challenge and making it your positive script. It's all in the mindset." I had never looked at it like that back then. I wasn't even sure I had a mindset, I was busy cultivating a new life for me and my kids as a single mom. But, life and it's challenges have taught me I can either be the steamroller or the pavement. I live a happy life...it's the best revenge.

Feel free to share your mindset on here and how it came into being...you might inspire others.

Quotes- What do they mean to you?

2007-10-01T18:02:00.000-05:00

"Sharing the journey is sometimes crucial to fully appreciating the destination ..."

"All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware."

" A journey is like marriage. A certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."

Do You Have Soul?

2007-09-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

The soul of a relationship...what does that mean to you?

I don't mean a soul mate in the form that everyone is talking about or the idea of soul being a religious aspect. I mean soul as in the way you live your everyday life, who you are at your deepest level, and how you fit love and living into it. What you really want and yearn for takes you to your inner core; your deepest part of your soul when loving or fitting in the love.

When you are in a love relationship at a deep level - a close level, there can be hardships such as more requests or demands and you are finding yourself expanding your soul and your heart to meet those needs of someone else but also find it might be indirectly meeting your own known and/or unknown needs. You might find that after expanding yourself, you seem to love in a stronger or big way that continues to grow and from which you learn. Think of it like planting a seed or a fruit as it begins to ripen. It's all a process from which one learns and the heart and soul grow. So, if you're thinking I mean demands in the sense of doing dishes, laundry, carpooling, or moving houses-- think again. This is the big stuff, the stuff that people don't talk about that expands the soul and heart. I have found in my relationships and dating that there are some people who are really going to push me to just open up and won't accept less. There are those who try in a respectful loving manner and those who push in a forceful rude way. I keep many of my thoughts private regarding people and certain aspects of life and lifes experiences. I know that sounds a bit ironic since I have this public site but not everything I think is on here. If a person you are in a love relationship with asks you to really open up and be honest in order for them to get close to you it may feel like a demand. It may even feel like you are unlocking a diary and letting others read it. Truthfully, you are opening up to someone, trusting them, and letting them in. It can seem demanding and tough on a person. If you succeed at doing this or your loved one has succeeded in getting you there, well you will find the beginning to a soulful relationship. The more you share the more you will find out about yourself in the process and you will learn about your partner by how the information is received. We all have many layers; some of us more than others. It takes a patient person to work with you to get through them, but the person who is asking you to do that must think you're worth it. The reward becomes the true connection and the soulful relationship. When you discover things about yourself that you didn't know even existed, than it is believed you are finding the window to the soul.

In relating this to friends, dates, acquaintances, I would have to say that many of the people I've talked to feel their relationships lacked that closeness that they were not only in it together, but understood where each person was coming from and accepted their point of view even if different from their own because they understood the experiences or mindset that brought it about. Everyone agreed, you don't get to that with most people. But, when you do it is heaven because you understand each layer even if it contradicts what you believe- the understanding and willingness to come together and accept each other with respect grows the soul and the heart with love.

Some of you are going to be very happy I have written this and shared this and some are going to read it over and over and wonder why or what any of this means to you. I can't make it mean anything more than it does to you. But, I can ask you to think of two different times. The first one is the time you really had a great time laughing and living it up with someone who made you feel on top of the world, but who doesn't have a clue how you became who you are or what it took for you to put that smile on to live it up, or the fact that maybe your living it up to numb some other part of you. The second one is the time you sat there with someone you loved who's poured their heart out to you or you did to them about something secretive, personal, or thoughts that have never been expressed. You know each others thought and speech patterns. They know your areas of expertise in life and rely on you for advice. You can still live it up with the second person but you both know the real soul of the person you're living it up with.
Which would you prefer, which one did or do you search for and what is your experience with this?

Breaking up is hard to do...

2007-09-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

As the songs says, "Breaking up is hard to do." It also has a whiny tone to it, not because Neil Sedaka is singing it,(well, in part due to that) but due to the begging nature of the person wishing the object of their affection wouldn't take away their love.

Does it get any easier as one gets older and has done this more often? There came a time in my life when I knew to just accept that if one person didn't want to be together in the manner in which I did, then it was probably best to move on. That didn't always mean that I broke up with them. I might have waited it out and left it up to them to break it off. I still knew that if there were signs that it wasn't going to work, then it was best it was over. I don't have a biological clock ticking like some, but I want to spend my days in fulfilling ways that are moving in a forward motion. That doesn't mean they do; it just means I try my best. Sometimes there's no movement but it eventually does move and that's okay too. Staying with something that is working but won't in the long run really wastes everyone's time. I know some people, even me, believe that if you're honest about the relationship and why and what you're in it for, then it's okay. Have you ever done this and the other person still believes they know better and will win you over and change your mind no matter what? Are you in any way responsible to this person for their feelings if you've been honest but still continue to see them knowing they think there'll be more or you'll change your mind? There are some people who can't see the forest through the trees and see that what they have or could have would be worth the compromise or change. I can see a couple of people's eyes rolling right now thinking- then why doesn't the other person change, why do they have to. Ahhh, the impasse...and there begins the end unless someone wants to look beyond the trees and take a leap into the forest. Scary stuff I know, but people do it, even those risk averse manage to take a leap. But, for those that really wanted to but the partner didn't see it that way, how do/did you deal? Do you wish you would have handled it differently? I have heard many interesting stories of what people did right before, during and after a break up. Everyone deals differently. Do you feel in some way you have control over the outcome?

Are You A Looker

2007-09-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

Do you look when a pretty woman or a handsome man walks by or is in the vicinity? Do you do this in the company of the opposite sex? Do you do it to see if they notice you?

I definitely have an eye for admiring beauty. However, when in the company of a date or boyfriend, I rarely notice anyone else. If I find myself looking in an admiring fashion at a stranger during that time, I would begin to notice that I'm not quite captivated by my company if I'm doing this. When on a date; I would say I am pretty secure with myself and won't be intimidated by another's looks. After all, I am what I am. I have shown up on dates without my normal make up, or even all put together because the date was an activity. I didn't really worry about it for the reason that they're going to see me eventually like this if we continued to date. I don't always ask the normal questions or care about the normal issues that go on when on a date, but I do pay attention to roving eyes. Most men I've noticed don't even know that I am catching it. There are men I've wanted to get to know better but when the eyes are checking out women randomly or as we leave a restaurant, I wonder if they hope she notices them or they're just checking it out. My question for the men is how would they feel if a woman did this while out with them? For me, I was leaving a great date and heading out of the place when I noticed my date checked out a woman up and down. I wondered if this was an issue with him or how it would play out in a relationship because it was the third person he did this with (at least that I caught) that night. Everyone wants to feel special but I hate being looked up and down. I appreciate it when noticed quickly without the up and down eye movement and a simple hi with a smile will do. I don't feel like I'm the prey when it's done like that. And men, if you think the woman you're out with isn't watching you watch others...think again! Then, think if this sends the message to the woman you're with that you're hoping to send. I often wonder if men see how this may have played out in their marriages and women too. Maybe their partner started to feel less appreciated or insecure and it showed up in other areas of the relationship or just not feeling like your really together and that "soul mate" feeling. There was one man in particular that when out with him, I barely would look anywhere else and I noticed the same of him. What did that mean, I have absolutely no clue except that I liked that and so did he and the relationship was probably better for it. Don't get me wrong...I look, just not when out with someone I am wanting to date or am dating. I am a people watcher but not an opposite sex gawker.

Tell me what you think about this...

Good Old Friends...

2007-09-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

Dating and running that date by your friends...

Have you ever been rehashing a date with a friend and find yourself sharing some details that may make your date look unfavorable to your friends? That's what happened in the previous article. When my friend called and told me her restaurant issue and the paying for the dinner, I tried to put some positive spin on it. They had been dating about two months and she liked him up until that point. This was the first time she began to see something that wasn't jiving with her and with what she was used to. Truth is, when I hung up, I thought, "not a smooth move" but it was a sticky situation. I told her not to worry what others think and to follow what she's thinking. She said she was somewhere in the middle on this. Problem was, at this point none of her friends liked him and already had formed an opinion. I know there are well meaning friends and not so well meaning but how do you know? Should it even matter to you what they think? I asked men and women would they trash their friend's date and try to get her to see their point of view...the answer was definitely a YES. I would say my friends have been careful with their opinions as they have learned in the last 6 years that they really didn't know what I liked to do or what my interests and hobbies were. Women friends have been more open, understanding and forgiving (more than I would be). But, I love having male friends to get their perspective. However, I know as soon as I say something unfavorable about a date to a male friend, it won't be forgotten.

So, what if your friends told you something unfavorable about a guy/girl they dated...what would you do? Would you be honest about your opinion or keep it to yourself? Would you have trouble going out with the couple? How have your friends reacted when you've shared your date stories and how did their reaction and opinions have an effect on you?

Quotes and a Song

2007-09-21T22:28:00.000-05:00

Quotes and Lyrics: (promise tomorrow back to the relationship debates and thoughts)

"Law and justice are not always the same. When they aren't, destroying the law may be the first step toward changing it."

"Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts."

I know I always play and sing this song but I wanted to post the lyrics. I'm sure it will make those who know me laugh and smile. :)

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, There's gotta be a little rain sometimes. When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live, Or let go. I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. I could promise you things like big diamond rings, But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover. So you better think it over. Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true, I would give you the world right now on a silver platter, But what would it matter? So smile for a while and let's be jolly: Love shouldn't be so melancholy. Come along and share the good times while we can. I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, There's gotta be a little rain sometimes. I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. I could sing you a tune or promise you the moon, But if that's what it takes to hold you, I'd just as soon let you go, but there's one thing I want you to know. You better look before you leap, still waters run deep, And there won't always be someone there to pull you out, And you know what I'm talkin' about. So smile for a while and let's be jolly: Love shouldn't be so melancholy. Come along and share the good times while we can.

Today- This one's for my kids ;)

2007-09-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Another sticky situation

2007-09-19T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sticky and awkward situation:
We've all been there when the check comes and you're with your friends and you know what to do. One of you picks it up and you take turns doing this or you split it, and if you're more precise you each pay completely for your own meals. Now, picture yourself being invited out to eat with your friend but your boyfriend ends up meeting you. (guys picture you are the guy/boyfriend) He orders a normal meal and a glass of wine. Remember you are being invited to dinner and your friend was treating you. Your friend has a coupon and it ends up covering the cost of her meal and it goes toward the total cost of the bill. Now, the new improved check arrives and it was handed to your boyfriend by the waitress and he pays for half of the total of the bill which wouldn't have included tip. You have your wallet ready and insist on paying for yourself as you're sweating from the whole anticipation of what is going to transpire in front of your friend and how is this whole transaction going to be handled. Your friend tells you to put your wallet away, she asked you to dinner and is taking care of it, but you know that her coupon covered her meal. Your boyfriend is letting the two of you argue about this but isn't offering to pay for you or the whole bill. You didn't have him join you, he just joined but you are his girlfriend and your friends meal was free and if you hadn't eaten with her; you would've eaten with him and he would've paid. What is right in this situation? I am sure there are many answers to this. My friend experienced this during the week. She called that night and told me how she felt embarrassed that he didn't think to pick up the whole check. Her friend said even though she insisted on buying the dinner, the guy should have insisted harder to take care of the women or especially his woman. I said, it's one small instance and it may be a sign of nothing and just note that one person insisted and he easily went with it. Although, I have to say that when most women insist, I am not always so sure they really want to or can even afford to pay and are just hoping the guy will take over and say, 'no, it's not necessary, but thank you for thinking to offer.' Two days after that night...my friend had decided this was not a good thing and that this man doesn't have manners and must think chivalry is dead. Three days later she didn't want to see him anymore because everyone told her this is a sign of things to come.

What do you think, I know we talked in the past about who should pay but this is a different scenario. What would you have expected to have happen here and what would you have done? If this was your friend, what advice would you give her?

2007-09-15T11:53:00.001-05:00

Check out the fifth comment that responds to being stressed and then read the last persons comments on here that address him....Feel free to respond because I know this is an issue for many single parents that date.

stress and your relationships

2007-09-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

S T R E S S E D ?

Do you feel stressed in general? You are overworked, busy being a mom/dad, you are trying to get to each kids activity and still be there for a spouse, partner. Have you ever felt that one person in the relationship may carry more of the burden of responsibilities than the other. What if you are the only one taking care of the kids; so add taxi driver to the list as well. I was playing the game of LIFE with my children and another family. What an eye opening experience. The kids learned a little bit about the reality of work, kids, needing car repairs, and even planning for retirement in the new version of LIFE. While playing that game nowhere did it say, "you've maxed out the credit cards, the kids are sick, your ex isn't paying for the kids, your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you, your kids boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them, your child announces he/she is dropping out, your child announces he/she is in trouble in school,you have appointments everyday after work, your child just made the team and you need to get them to practice and games, etc." This list only covers part of what people deal with in a day or lifetime. If this was your life, being stressed would probably be an understatement.

How does stress effect you and your loved one? Do you bond together and fight the fight together? Do you listen and think please don't stress I would just rather be enjoying my own peaceful world? What about offering solutions or suggestions, do you ever try that? How does it work out for you? How does your relationship suffer or benefit? How do you let one know that you still love them during that time and make the time for them? Do you begin to lean on others besides or in place of your spouse or partner? I think it's safe to say that many people feel the stresses of everyday life but others have added burdens that are imposed on them. My son always says, we choose to take those burdens on but in some cases you almost have no choice if you were raised with any moral code. Think about if you're parents need you or your children really are sick, woulnd't you be helping out and helping these loved ones along in life? Where will/does your partner fit in then? We all have the stress and we all are busy...some more than others but it's all relative- how do you handle it, what have you given up, what have you lost, what have you gained?

Snooping and You!

2007-09-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

This past week someone wrote in on how they caught their loved one cheating on them. Just imagine what that must have felt like. In some ways it would be considered snooping, in other ways it would be considered just inquiring...although, she did have a wig and a rental car. Would that be considered spying or in some way do you have a right to do this? Keep in mind she found out he was cheating on her. Some people snoop by looking through cell phones or detailed records. Many people feel they have a right to their partners passwords, bank codes, voicemail codes and call logs. Some people who live together even put keyloggers on their computers without others knowing. Is there a line that is drawn between privacy and being secretive? What if you found something while you were snooping, do you admit it? I mean doesn't that mean you too were doing something you shouldn't be doing? In other words you could be snooping and find nothing, not ever find a thing, that would make you the bad guy, wouldn't it? Now, you find yourself snooping and you find a letter, email, picture, voicemail, etc. Does this justify your actions or is this two wrongs don't make a right? Are there any circumstances in your mind where this snooping is okay and justified?

Please share your thoughts and confessions on the matter...

dating and it's ups and downs

2007-09-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

So you meet a man/woman online and it's the kind of site that tells you when they last logged in. You know they are taken with you as much as you are with them. You are really deeply involved and caring very much for them but letting it unfold. They haven't been online; at least not on the site you met through and neither have you. Then, you get that call from your loving and caring friend that goes like this: You tell your friend you are really falling for this guy and want to see him more and will make more time to do so. You add that he just left your house after spending time together and also expressing your love for one another in a more intimate way. But, he didn't really throw out getting together except for one night over the weekend when you were thinking you'd arrange to do both- since your time alone is rare and you see you could just hang out with him doing normal stuff. He commented the weekend before that he wanted to see you more than one night over the weekend and/or during the week. You thought you'd arrange your schedule to make the time, since you see this is growing in a direction you're more comfortable with. Your friend says, lets look online and see if he's logged in. Last time she looked she said it said within 3 weeks. Now she looks while you're on the phone and it says within 3 days. Your heart sinks and your stomach starts to turn. Your friend and you are assuming he can't get together because he's met someone, is going out with someone, or is in the emailing talking stage with someone. It's a little interesting that you or your friend don't think that maybe he signed in to cancel his subscription like you did after you met him.

This scenario is so familiar to many women and men and was recently discussed amongst friends. What do you think someone should do in this situation, what would you do if this was you? If you've been there share your stories...

Words of Wisdom...

2007-09-11T22:15:00.000-05:00

Some words of wisdom handed out to others in the past few weeks and even years that are worth repeating:

"There are two good reasons why you're the last to know. Your partner is the last to tell and you don't really want to know."

"Your partner's sexual history is your biggest clue to his sexual future."

" You have to be extra careful with a man who plays to win- remember he doesn't play fair."

" A man who is interested in you isn't going to disappear simply because you are busy."

"House is a game you play with your husband, not with a date."

" If he's going to fall in love with you, it's going to be for who you are and not for what you can broil." ***This one I'm counting on to be true :)***

These have all come from the book "What Smart Women Know". Have fun and respond. I am sure these hit home to some of you so share your stories and wisdom.

Questions and more questions

2007-09-10T16:29:00.000-05:00

These questions have been sent to me or posted on the site in various columns:

1) Marrying vs. Living together

Can we have more on that subject? I wonder why some people easily make the transition or for others it is like walking through fire. (Aug. 30th post)

2) Why are we so afraid to pick for the rest of our lives someone we love and just move with it, why are we so demanding of others? (This one I hope my dear friend will answer)

3) Why for some is intimacy not spending much time together and others require mental stimulation and bonding to feel intimate and what if you go about it differently than your partner? I hope someone can tell me how they dealt with this. (Sept. 5 post)

4) I am in love with a man albeit a little early in the relationship but I wonder if his aloofness is a sign that he'll never catch up to me. We see each other just not as much as I'd like. He goes out of town for sports and leisure with guys and I want to have him. I want to build a life and he wants me to fit in but not fit in to what I want or he'd be around more. Do you think I should cut him loose or he'll catch up?

5) I moved in, thought we'd marry, asked to decorate the house, house decorated, no ring, no sign of ring, but a life is being built somewhat together somewhat not, I have a little ones he has almost grown ones. We handled the transition of the moving in but don't see moving onto marriage, what to do now?

Feel free to answer all, a few or just one...

Adversity and You

2007-09-07T20:38:00.000-05:00

Adversity in relationships...how do you deal?

There I was many years ago watching my child at a sporting event, my ex within earshot when the phone rang and it was my new boyfriend. That doesn't seem like such a big deal I'm sure but as soon as I said hello, the voice on the other end said, " I just wanted to see how I ranked and how you handle a sticky situation." Apparently, I passed the test. However, little did that man know, so did he. He dared to take a chance and felt secure in doing so. Most of all he passed the test because he understood that down the road there might be adversity and we would need to handle it together if we planned on staying together. He showed he really was interested and looking toward more than just dating. Usually, when people start out in the early stages dating they don't bother each other with the really tough stuff. Work problems are sometimes trivialized, family issues are minimized, and deal breakers aren't always discussed. But, what if your life really isn't that perfect and tied up in a neat bow? I know mine isn't and at times it requires someone who can handle adversity and be flexible. Certainly I realize that I don't have a choice but to roll with it but the person in my life may not be as seasoned in dealing and coping with change and adversity that life brings and then what? Let's face it, they've entered your life but does that mean they need to take on your problems? When life is challenging you, do you really need someone else making you feel bad that you're unable to meet their needs right then? At the end of days like that; it's sometimes best to just take a hot shower and crawl under the covers and not come back out until it all passes. Okay, maybe not a great solution to dealing but definitely it helps to take a step back and breathe. What if the person your with just can't do that and it adds to your stress? There'll be times you won't agree on things or life, you may deal with hardship in different ways but how will you know until that time comes? I know I pay attention to subtle signs. There are times when I have to cancel my plans at the last minute due to schedule changes; believe me I feel bad enough when that happens but when the non-verbal cues and deep sighs are bordering on immaturity it tells me something about the frustration levels of a person. We've all had people cancel or change plans, I try to understand and keep in mind this person didn't do this to me intentionally.

So, short of medicating yourself and altering yourself to be someone you're not, what would you do if you were completely in love with someone and then find out later they can't handle change and adversity?

Have The Requirements Changed?

2007-09-05T22:10:00.000-05:00

Have the requirements for marriage and a partnership changed?

If you're in your forties or fifties and visiting this site...I'll bet your life doesn't look much like your mom's or dad's. You may share some roles in common but I am only guessing, that you have more or different roles than your same gender parent had.(especially if you're divorced or widowed) Men have learned how to cook, bathe the baby, do the laundry, and support the endeavors of their working mate. Women have learned that there are so many opportunities out there to fulfill their ambitions and dreams, while still being a mom and partner, just not the kind that's married to a house 24/7. The rules for being a great husband simply included being a great provider, someone to watch over the family and make sure they were secure, and on weekends- take care of the lawn. Now, women still want that but they want to be able to cuddle up to someone and feel like they have their best friend with them. Possibly feel like soul mates, but no matter what you call it, they just want more intimacy. Turns out that the studies are showing that men want the intimacy too. Often times, the skills and personality it takes to be the goal oriented and good income earning person don't come packaged with a huge sensitivity side that can just be turned on at a moments notice. What if you are a divorced or widowed woman who is used to having all of the responsibilities, do you become a compartmentalized person? Sometimes the only way to get through a day for a parent taking on both roles is to shut off the emotions and get through what needs to be done. So, for them does it get turned back on at the right time? Some say the lack of intimacy is becoming a factor in getting divorced but that there are all these books on how to be successful and how to accept your partner but not how to build intimacy. Women talk with women with no pretense other than maybe lets talk over coffee or tea. Men will talk and share when they are busy- such as fixing something together or working out by playing some sport. Should women get busy fixing things to talk with their guy? My best talks with men are when they walk with me or go on hiking trails. They are busy and somewhat distracted and so am I, but they always start sharing and opening up and mostly they really wanted to. I tend to do better when talking with a man when I am busy doing something else. I prefer to talk with a woman friend when busy too because in general I like to kill two birds with one stone and my down time is not usually for heavy conversation. Why not ask the person you're with when they feel they share the most and would be most comfortable, you may find they want you to know when that time would be. A man usually feels there's a good time and a bad time for these discussions; while women sometimes think anytime is a good time. Maybe it's as simple as being a morning or night person and talking at the peak times. My son and I have some of our best conversations online through Instant Messaging. We talk all of the time and are very close but when he wants to share something he may feel awkward about...he IM's me and shares. At first I thought this was a little silly since we are in the same house but then I realized it's just his way of being comfortable enough to share the tough stuff and a safe avenue to ask the hard questions. I notice a lot of the typical male behaviors in him and so I address them with more of an understanding now. We shoot hoops for the talks about girls and go to the batting cages to bond. I guess I figured out that he wasn't going to go have a talk with me if I announced we were going to go have coffee just to talk like a woman would. So, Would our marriages and partnerships be saved if we figured out how and when to talk with one another to fulfill that requirement?

I don't know if the studies match what you see in your life but how do you feel about the requirements of marriage and partnership? Do you think the requirements have changed to include intimacy and soul mate feelings to keep the relationship flowing in a positive direction? Is it just a matter of adjusting how and when we talk to get to that best friend feeling?

Secure/Insecure

2007-09-03T00:08:00.000-05:00

Share what it means to you to date someone secure or to find they're insecure...do you find the security a turn on or turn off? Do you find the lack of security to be cute and sweet or really bothersome?

While dating I have noticed there's such a difference in how I perceive someone based on their level of being self-assured. I had met someone who really never had a problem getting a second date, in fact, the problem for him would be more in the turning down a woman category. Connecting with them was easy and the meeting very upbeat. I also met someone who isn't so lucky in the dating arena. The lack of confidence showed and even though it's easy for me to connect, I found it to be somewhat of a struggle to be upbeat and enjoy. Most people have areas that are troublesome for them but they don't always wear them on their sleeve. Maybe what one is seeing isn't really a complete picture of who this person is or how they feel about themselves but does it factor in on what you see, how the date plays out and your thoughts on another date?

Everyone is different and as mentioned before on this site; I prefer someone self-assured and confident appearing even if inside they're feeling less than that. What do you prefer and how do you read and interpret those security signs?

Trusting again...

2007-09-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

Last night, due to the previous topic, the subject of trust was discussed in varying forms and with different case scenarios played out, but the fear of putting your trust in someone is what's behind it....

If you were lied to and/or cheated on and it seemed to be a gray area ( like the Ross and Rachel on a break idea)...can you trust them if they want to work it out or even just keep you close? It can be frustrating to know things don't add up but you try and trust anyway. This isn't about giving your trust to someone new...this is about giving your trust to someone still in your life or coming back to it.

They say they want to start building the relationship, but the problem is you don't really know what else is going on or who else they have in their life. You see them a couple of designated nights a week and you feel (not think) you are the only one and then you can't reach them or they say they have to work hard all week and on the night you are wanting to see them, you find they weren't doing what they said? This is the scenario of one person I know who has the question of trust. The advice given is often very broad...like once a cheater always a cheater. But, I usually tell her to go with her gut instinct and if the facts are the facts and it is a repeated scene...what other conclusion should she have, but the argument becomes this gray area. Is it really cheating or lying? The argument is never the fact that she's out of whack because of this or shaky and nervous instead of secure and stable over this man. They aren't bound to one another but shouldn't there be a sense of responsibility to be honest and care about each others feelings? He wants to keep her close and says he wants to be friends. I don't know about the rest of you but my friends tell me upfront the details of their day and just "stuff". We just fill each other in...Where we ate, what our plans may be for the week even if tentative and who they are with even if it is alone. Another person told me she "knows" her plans were rescheduled for some other girl because they were supposed to go see a movie and when the night had to be switched she all of a sudden was offered a nice picnic and she didn't have to do anything to share in the preparation like usual. Some explanation of conflicting kids schedules was given. If I reschedule my walking time, I don't reschedule it with dinner. I reschedule with walking. So, is this proof the person is feeling guilty or lying and not really trying to build a relationship with you or keep you close? Should you trust them and should you really be privy to everything at the rebuilding stage? Like the previous post says, do you feel this behavior or gray area effects the impact of your future decisions?

Readers what do you do in this gray area to gather trust during a break but trying to work it out together? Is it even possible? How do you navigate it when many of you in your forties and fifties hold on to your friendships with people from the past? Some do get rekindled and others remain friends.

You would never withhold information would you?

2007-08-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

Found this quote:

"Withholding information that another might use to make a decision about continuing to see you is as deceitful as a direct and intentional lie. "

Now think this one over...have you ever done this? Are you involved in some way with someone who does? Is there ever a time in a relationship where this is okay? Share your thoughts on the matter....

Maybe It's Just A Phase

2007-08-30T05:25:00.000-05:00

The Honeymoon Phase...

Maybe it's been so long that you don't remember what it was like when you met the love of your life. Did you go through that honeymoon phase? There are different stages to relationships and just like growth development of a child, if you skip a stage does that mean that a problem might arise in a certain area later? Sometimes I think people have been so hurt or disillusioned that they don't allow themselves to fall into the first romantic phase of la la land. I for one have been told I tend to be very grounded in the realities of the initial three months of a relationship. In other words, I no longer get googly-eyed and dreamy and I just might start my pros and cons list of the possible relationship instead of overlooking the negative. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking this behavior is all good, but I also don't think it's so bad...However, every now and then getting swept off your feet isn't such a bad idea but what happens after you've spent the first three months falling in love and the next three months hammering away at a power struggle, adjustment/change phase. Once you are there, you learn each other's ways a little better. The blinders start to come down and the seriousness of where it's all heading sets in. Do you look at the person and think you could live with them the rest of your life? Do you really know all you need to know? You make it through that phase and then move onto the next three months where you've accepted the differences, realize you can't change the love of your life and then...you start to add to the foundation already built. The real love sets in if you're still together because the rose colored glasses have come off and you see the person for who they are. Where do you go from there?

Good Advice...

2007-08-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes good advice comes at the strangest moments...

Have you ever had that moment when talking with friends, and you really weren't trying to solve any dilemma, but a friend says something so simple and yet profound? Do you listen if it hits a chord in your life? I was with some friends talking about life and tossing around some pros and cons regarding dating ideas when one of them said it really makes a difference when you're with someone who enjoys their job. Mug shots of past dates ran through my head while I tried to categorize them into liking their job and not. Did this factor really play out in our relationship or even the lack of getting one started? Most people work to live and some live to work, but if you like what you do while making a living are you more peaceful and harmonious with others? There are many jobs that can be very stressful yet rewarding, but which part of that job comes to dinner every night- the stress or the rewarding side? I used to have a long drive home from work when my kids were babies. I loved my job and it had stress, but I would use the ride home to unwind and be fresh when I walked in the door. Life at home was stressful enough without adding work stress to it. Not everyone can find a way to manage the stress of everyday life and work, but would you make more of an effort if you knew it was playing out in your relationships? Would you change jobs/careers? If you feel mediocre about your role in the company or your place on the company ladder, will you project that onto your relationship and have a mediocre feeling toward the other person or even the whole future picture? This one statement changed the way I was viewing a dating situation and the person who made the comment probably never knew how I had taken it to heart.

What do you think-- do you feel your job plays into your overall attitude in life, on dates, and in relating to others?

Do you have a choice?

2007-08-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

Partake in the debate: Is loving someone a choice we make?

Your friend calls you and says he/she had a date and thinks this is someone they could possibly have a relationship with. Are they just being open, where there signs that there were mutual things in common? Your friend goes on date two and three and may have also met someone else and gone on a couple of dates with him/her. They start weighing the pros and cons of both people. Let's just say they equal out for the purpose of this post, but there is something pulling them in one direction over the other. Is this a choice one makes or is it just happening to them? I know we are aware of our feelings when we choose to walk away, but are we aware of what and whom we choose in love?

Do You Believe in...

2007-08-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in love at first sight?

In college, I remember friends telling me they just knew when they met the man that later became their husband. I remember guys telling me the same about the women. They said they just knew right when they met her. Some described the feeling of butterflies and most said it was a feeling of calmness. They could look over at their partner and feel calm and a forever feeling. Many of those couples said they didn't need to wait long to jump in and get married because they just knew. I thought back and all but one of them is still married. They probably have their days like the rest of us but they are still together and still in love.

So, do you believe in love at first sight? Share your thoughts and experiences.

Something to think about...

2007-08-26T02:03:00.000-05:00

Hmmm....Something to think about. These are the lyrics to Babylon by David Grey. I am sure many of you can relate. Let me know what you think about the song....

Friday night I'm going nowhere. All the lights are changing green to red. Turning over TV stations, situations running through my head. Well looking back through time, you know it's clear that I've been blind, I've been a fool. To ever open up my heart to all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule. Saturday I'm running wild and all the lights are changing red to green. Moving through the crowd I'm pushing chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream. Only wish that you were here. You know I'm seeing it so clear I've been afraid. To show you how I really feel, admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made.

chorus:
If you want it, come and get it, crying out loud. The love that I was giving you was never in doubt. Let go your heart. Let go your head and feel it now. Babylon.

Sunday all the lights of London shining , sky is fading red to blue. I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves, and wondering where it is you might be going to turning back for home you know I'm feeling so alone I can't believe. Climbing on the stair I turn around to see you smiling there in front of me.
Chorus:

We should all have this problem...

2007-08-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

Too many men and a decision to be made...Men help out here:

Talking with a friend about dating, she decided to share her inner conflict that she's been having while out in the dating world hoping to get some wisdom and advice. She's torn between three men. She hadn't dated in awhile because she couldn't find one man that she liked enough to tear herself away from her favorite TV shows. Now, she needs to make a decision between three. She met two online and one she's known only a little. She wants to know; does she really have to choose? Bachelor #1 is great and makes her heart pound, she feels like she's known him forever, they click in chemistry and personality. The hesitation- they come from different backgrounds financially and family. Bachelor #2 is energetic like she is and full of positive energy like her, he loves his job, is a good listener, kissing him is exciting. The hesitation- anything more than kissing and she feels he's too into her so much that it's more like an infatuation. Bachelor #3 she knows a little and didn't meet online but through friends. She says he's nice, intelligent, warm and a good family man, stable. The hesitation- he doesn't rock her world because he's too consoling, serious, and proper. She says she finds herself in a serious frame of mind instead of lighthearted and flirtatious with #3 because he's always watching what he says and does and it seems forced upon her and/or he's forcing the situation. #1 and #2 also are stable but they make her knees weak and her heart pound. She doesn't know what to do because certainly she wants her heart to pound.

The question she has is- does her heart pound because these are lifelong partners or short term flings. And, does her heart stay steady but not really get excited with #3 because that's just how he is and doesn't really get what she's needing? Does she have to decide anything or can she keep dating all three? Men, what do you think? Do you follow your heart or your mind?

Are you sexy?

2007-08-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

What's sexy to you?

A guy I know came to visit me during the day to keep me company while I was doing some mundane tasks. He brightened up the whole place. There were mainly women around and all noticed that he had a way about him that was sexy. One woman said it was his confidence. Another friend said it was the warm smile and how he made her feel at ease. I said it was the way he flirts, his sense of humor and his playfulness. The men around us couldn't stop gagging at what was being said the next day after the visit. They fired back about what's sexy to them in a woman. Surprisingly, they kept it clean and I think or at least hope- honest. One man said he first looks at the eyes and it doesn't matter what color as long as they're sparkling with life. Of course, we all looked into each other's eyes at that point. A man that I have known quite well and is usually on the outgoing and extroverted side said, he notices a woman's smile and walk and if she's confident with a bright smile, he thinks she's sexy. How did all of us (women) find my friend to have sex appeal? We all have such different tastes and come from diverse backgrounds? Is there this universal sex appeal that's within some people and not others?

So, what's says sexy to you? Have fun and keep it at least PG-13.

Did You Take The Out?

2007-08-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

Did you go for the out?

This isn't about enough being enough...this is about having an out before you ever get in. I wonder how many of you meet someone and immediately see what looks like a red flag or a situation that isn't neatly tied up in a bow and think...hmmmm that just might be a problem. But, you knowingly head down that road and pursue the person anyway. All along you're dating them and complaining to your friends- that you can't handle when ____ happens, the ex isn't picking up the kids and there's never time alone, they're needy and have soooo much time on their hands, I know they said they're busy a lot but this is ridiculous, they said they run late all of the time, but come on do you have to wait an hour, they said they work out but who said I have too? I'm sure if you've lived this or have a friend like it you are so getting the picture of what this is like. I can always tell when a friend has met someone new what their out is going to be if they want it to happen. Many years ago I heard that most couples divorce for the same reason they marry. If you marry because this was someone you could really trust/you divorce because the trust is broken, if you marry because they make you laugh/you divorce because that's all they do is laugh and don't take some real life situations seriously, etc. If you believed these so called experts there really is no winning in this.

I once asked about deal breakers on here and this is like that, only you still dive in. Why? Are you really going to get over the fears or differences that you see? Will you be resentful if you took something on that was a red flag and it didn't return everything you thought it would if you went through with the relationship? What do you do when you think this is the man/woman of my dreams and know in your heart the issues that scare you?

Are You A Comparison Shopper?

2007-08-19T01:54:00.000-05:00

Do you compare your current love to an old flame? That may be a no-no.

Your relationship with the love of your life has ended...you cry, you think of all the good and then you think of all the bad and you tell yourself it's okay because someone will do and say the things that person never did. Afterall, you never did like the way he/she would _____. Now skip ahead a month or two and there you are out there dating away. Your happy and hopefully you've met a person who starts to occupy your thoughts and time. Do you start to compare them to your old flame? Do you find their positive attributes by weighing them against the negative ones of an old love? I try to focus on only the character traits of the person I am dating and not how does he rank with an old flame. Everyone brings something different to the relationship but do you compare to make sure you are moving in a positive direction with this new person instead of taking two steps back? Is there really a way in the beginning to do things wrong? If you're just being yourself how can that be wrong? It was said on here as well as many books and advice columns to leave your pasts at home when starting to date. Everyone on here agreed that's nearly impossible and they want the information about these pasts upfront. Relationships with ex-wives and ex-husbands and as the previous post says, even friendships, may have an impact on someones decision to further a relationship. We aren't perfect and we may want everything we're looking for to be in that one person but the reality is that it's almost impossible. We make compromises on the things we want and need. We may have to prioritize what's important to us; what we can't live without and what we will live with to get it. I once heard someone say they would only marry the person who could out rank their ex-wife and that it would be hard to find someone who could. I found that so ironic since they wanted to find someone who it seemed had to reach the height of someone who left them. In conversations with friends about new loves, it usually comes up that someone will compare the man I am dating to the man or men I no longer date. When these friends are dating they also say, well at least he doesn't_____, and he's much better at____, but I wish he'd do____like so and so did. Can you move forward in a relationship without a checklist? Can you learn to work to let the past be the past and move toward the future with open arms and an open mind? Do the people you date compare themselves to the people you've dated and decide on their own where they may stand or compare you to their ex?

How does this checklist and comparison shopping affect your decisions, your relationships and the outcomes? Do you think this is productive to seeing the person as they really are or are you fault finding by comparison?

Will You Let Them Just Be Friends

2007-08-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

New question on the old can we still be friends?
I have stayed friends with old boyfriends for various reasons in varying degrees. Some are great work out partners, some it's just a closeness once shared and keeping posted on their life because you care, others it's activities in common or even our kids are friends. In most cases I have met their girlfriends, partners, wives and have spent time with them as a couple. One must wonder what a potential boyfriend of mine must think of this and how does it work when I am dating someone. In most cases, we stay in touch by phone or email, But regarding some of the friendships, we have built a friendship outside of dating each other. We found we were better friends than partners. We get together for dinner or dinner and movies with the kids and new partners. I like to walk and that can be a great time to catch up with a friend. However, I will level with you all on here...this isn't easy to do or schedule once you meet someone that you really want to spend your available time with. If I could walk with that special someone or have dinner with them to catch up on the day or just be fun and romantic, than I would prefer to do so and find another way to catch up with my friend like a lunch. How have I been able to do this? I guess the answer is trust. I don't hide information about the past. If the past is truly the past, then it shouldn't be a problem. If the old boyfriend is really just a friend than it shouldn't be a problem. I think it depends on the situation and depth of involvement and circumstances of breaking up but if one thinks they should be and can be trusted, should the new person in their life say okay? Why do we or would we agree to not see our dear friends if that's all they are? I have been uncomfortable in the past with this situation due to not knowing the whole truth and wondering why it wasn't given upfront. Maybe, I guess, it's because I didn't ask. I felt if they were to still spend time together at that point they would reconcile. If there is really only a friendship, why hide the details? Does a person need to go on a fishing expedition to get to the whole truth regarding a past relationship that has turned into a friendship only? You know sometimes a friend of the opposite sex helps one make sense of their relationship problems. The friendship could benefit your relationship. I am not saying in every instance people should accept these friendships as part of the relationship but I am saying not all of them are as threatening as some believe. In my case, I guess my thoughts were on the mark...the person went back to this woman after we broke up even though it was for a short period...it still happened. In other situations I felt secure and trusting that I had nothing to worry about. I haven't been in a relationship where I felt I needed to be careful about this because the person didn't trust me. However, it has been a personal choice of mine to ease back on the amount of time spent together and how the time has been spent in order to be available for the other person in my life that I would want to further a relationship with. One of the questions discussed between my friends had to do with this: What do you do once you say okay to not seeing your friend who once was more, but as your relationship progresses and is more secure, you want to see your friend instead of just talk by phone or email? Didn't you agree to not see them? Is it best to choose your words more carefully...like saying I will curtail my activities with them for a little until we're more secure? What if they never feel as secure as you do? In fact, if you've agreed to not see them and then you bring up that you want to...the insecurity is sure to set in because they're going to wonder why you want to do this NOW because it will seem out of the blue? So, I know how I handle this and I don't seem to have a problem as long as I remain upfront and honest. I also decide how to handle someone else's past based on the same trust but I've learned to follow my intuition about it. How do you handle it? What are your thoughts...I know this was discussed before as far as can people really just be friends but this is different. This is from the other partners point of view. Now it's time to share your point of view.

Bad Girls and Bad Boys

2007-08-16T16:37:00.000-05:00

Do men really love bitches?

There I am getting the new Harry Potter book with my daughter when I decide to peruse the aisles. On one of the display tables was the book "Go Ask Alice". My daughter really wanted to read it and after reminiscing about the time I read it, I agreed. That story and the woman's LSD trips made my stomach turn. I figured it could do no harm for my teenage daughter. However, more harmful it seemed was the book next to it titled, " Why Men Love Bitches". We started laughing and my sweet daughter said, "hey mom, maybe that's what you need to become." How thrilled was I, most teenage daughters think their mom's a bitch and mine doesn't? But, did she think I was a pushover? I had asked her and she said, "no, I just think if you weren't so nice, a guy would like you, they do that all the time, you know choose the mean girl who lies to them and cheats on them." She had no idea how her comment seemed to ring true that week regarding a certain man. I still get together with my friends since kindergarten and while we were enjoying a lunch and reviewing the past twenty years of our lives, loves, and families, my friend turned to me and said, " you still really are a straight forward person who can deliver it sweetly and create win-win situations, because you see both sides. You're strong and persistent." I was thinking what a lovely compliment, how nice of her to say this. Then, she began to tense up and point her finger at me and demanded, "You need to become a bitch!" It was a Linda Blair/Exorcist moment. To her surprise, I had agreed. We joked that I should do whatever I want, with whomever, and whenever. Make no promises and just basically live by the seat of my pants and take no prisoners. She named a few people who used this tactic and roped in the man of their dreams....We obviously dream differently because the man I'd want wouldn't really admire a woman like that. And, do they know that's what they got? Actually, I haven't read the book, I just skimmed through it and it looked like there just might be some good advice. One of the things I caught was that men don't want a "yes" girl. Well, I don't always say yes, and I do have my moody days like everyone else. But, I don't deliver it all in such a bitchy way. I remember in college a sweet hearted guy telling me that no girl ever likes the nice guy, they always want the bad boy. So, are women the same way... do they want someone who's a bit of a rebel?

Do men really love bitches and women the bad boy types? What are your thoughts on this and how do you feel about this?

Your turn to be the writer

2007-08-15T17:59:00.000-05:00

Tell me how you would finish this story or how a story like it ended for you...

There I am lounging and sipping my iced tea with my close friend, knowing my kids were safely in the pool, feeling the heat of the sun on my face, listening to my iPod. I was startled by the sound of my cell phone ringing right next to me. I glanced at it ready to let it go to voicemail when...the name on it was the man I had been out with a few times. I get calls all day just like most of you, dealing with everyday life, insurance, health, prescriptions, kids school, etc. But, I also get calls from different people I have dated and friends. I found myself enthusiastically eager to talk with this person. Everyone around me was staring as I hooked up the headset and removed myself from the gawking neighbors with a sudden super sonic ability to hear. I was curled up in a chair by a patio table just listening and talking with the great voice on the other end. I even caught myself twirling my hair. When I looked at my friends...they were imitating me curling my hair and smiling. This would be a good place to add, I went to high school with some of these people so they were finding this act of flirtatious attention over the phone at my age quite amusing. We talked for a little trying to figure out when we could see each other. At first, I found myself so busy and preoccupied with kids stuff that I didn't have a moment free and figured I play it by ear. What was I thinking "play it by ear"? okay, even I can get too focused on what I need to do and forget I am supposed to have a life outside of everything else. But, I left it at that and we hung up and I went back to my now adoring, nosy, and sarcastic friends. The questions began to flow and I just shook my head saying I'm not answering... All I know is so many things came rushing to my mind. I don't get like this...I haven't gotten like this in many years. I mean many! I take it slow, I am methodical in my ways, I definitely pay very close attention to the details and the person and I don't take time to think about them often or really at all when I am focused on listening to music and spending time with friends, and I certainly don't twirl my hair for god's sake. This person isn't complicated... and that may be the key. What do I mean by complicated? Hard to please, has demands at all times, says one thing and means another, uncomfortable expressing themselves, hidden pasts, stuck on misconceptions and beliefs that they try to hold people to or categorize them in. We all know someone who fits this description if not to a tee, than pretty close. A caring friend told me last year that I need to find someone who isn't complicated...who sees life in a positive manner and is happy with where they are but still likes to learn and grow. She said they'd need to be intelligent, well rounded but most of all loving, caring and just without drama and exes that remain hopeful, and he must love to dance and adore me. All I could do was laugh and say...let me know when you find them please. I settled back into my lounge chair and tried to figure out how this even came about like this when I stopped myself and just enjoyed the moment that it did. I was trying to figure out a way where we could see each other when he called back with a great suggestion for the following day...

You finish it from here....add a middle and an end if possible. It doesn't have to be the fairytale ending just maybe you lived this beginning or you have been dreaming of this happening. This is your chance to share your story...ENJOY!

(There've been some tech. difficulties so the moderate comments button is on so nothing is lost and it will post later in the day or overnight. I will keep the posts running for two days. )

Monday Morning Quarterback

2007-08-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

Monday Morning Quarterbacking the weekend dating scene:

So you went on a date or maybe even two dates. Maybe the same guy/gal; maybe two different guys/gals. You call your friends or your friends call to check in on you to see how it all turned out. ( guys, I know you dish too even though you say you don't) You had a great time, conversation was flowing, you both seem attracted to each other, you like how they look and carry themselves, you like that you seem to have things in common. I am having so much fun thinking of the perfect date I could just go on... ahhhh. You said goodnight, maybe you kissed goodnight, hmmmm maybe you slipped up and had a lot to drink and that kiss turned into more, drinks may not have been necessary and you still did more. It's possible that you made it clear you want to see them again and they reciprocated. Oh, how we love these perfect ending dates! It's 7AM the next morning and you've had 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep and your phone rings. Your friend wants to go exercise or have coffee and you just want to sleep but you also need to recap, summarize, analyze, validate and question your thoughts all at the same time. Some people are more hard on themselves at this juncture. I try to be 100% present when on a date or anywhere I am. However, and I know my friends will agree because they don't understand how I do this, when I leave that moment, I am either getting some space, or being 100% present in the next endeavor or meeting. I am involved in many different things and areas of my life so I usually need to compartmentalize. This usually throws guys. It's amazing all the information that the brain processes during a date. It may take me some time to really think about the evening beyond the "oh, I had a great time, he's nice stage." So, there you are waiting, is he/she going to call? Was the recap as wonderful in the light of day as it was the night before? Maybe you text the person and they didn't respond. I know I rarely respond to texting, it takes too long. How many of you are hard on yourselves...wondering did I say or do the wrong thing? Maybe you shouldn't have slept together so soon, or you shouldn't have told him/her about your crazy aunt...or that time you got even with an old flame, or worse you are still sleeping with your old flame. (ok, that last one usually only comes out when you 've had way too much to drink and someone keeps questioning away...not that I've ever been one to be persistent in my fact finding ;) ) My point here is enjoy yourself, if the date isn't going the way you'd like...laugh at it, be glad you went and let it go. If you had a great time and it seemed the other person did too and then it seems in their replay the call was overturned...well, you still had a nice time and chalk it up to you're still a great person and better to know now. If you freak them out by texting something nice or calling and saying you had a great time...don't worry, you can't take it back and if that's the kind of person you are and it didn't mesh with them is that so bad, did you really do anything wrong but be yourself? Again, I just try to have a great time, chalk it up to a learning experience or maybe, just maybe...the other person had a great time too! Today, I met my friend for breakfast where I overheard the Monday morning quarterbacking going on with teens, single men and women. It struck me that so many second guess themselves, are insecure, or just undecided and hang on every last word or action.While waiting in the line to order one teen had gotten a text message saying hi from last nights date just after she said, " he probably won't call." I took a moment to think... I had a great date and was happy with that...I didn't share the details and just enjoyed being in the moment and going with the flow.

Share your thoughts: Do you recap? Who do you recap with? How much do you tell? Do you second guess yourself? Are you self assured and don't think about it? If you don't usually recap, when do you talk and share? Do you wait for when you are no longer happy in the relationship?

Which One Are You?

2007-08-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

Are you the leading lady/man or the best friend?

Over the weekend, I settled in to watch the movie "The Holiday". Besides many of the issues in there representing many women and men on this site...this quote was said, " Are you the leading lady or the best friend?" Think about this for a minute, I know I did. There comes a time in every relationship that ends or moves forward where someone takes the reigns and says no more and this is how I am going to go about it. They stand firm and strong and put actions behind their words. They won't stand for less. But, if you are the friend, are you saying that whatever you did to me is okay because I am always going to be here for you even though you broke my heart? Does being that friend really get you to be a leading lady/or man? I would think most of us have been both of these at some point. The older some get they decide to let the hurt go and remain friends, others- the older they get the more they want to immediately rid themselves of anyone who's caused them pain. They may even like to hold a grudge. This doesn't apply to those who truly have a friendship with an ex. This applies to those who hang in there because they're hoping they won't only be the friend. That the other person will notice how loyal they are and how much they rely on them. Don't we all want to be the leading lady/man in our relationships? The one who doesn't get stepped on or squashed but who stands tall and stands up for what they want and won't settle for less. Without giving away the ending...the woman this was said to is about to fall back into the same pattern with an old boyfriend but then becomes the leading lady. Instead of listening and believing his string along vague words; she takes control and asks him for specifics. When he can't be pinned down to any story of real future plans- the light bulb moment arrives and the woman takes the lead. He was amazed that his run of relying on her and selling his lines to her to keep her hooked was over. She of course, because this is a chick flick, goes on to have a happy ending.

What do you think about the quote? Are you a leading lady/man or are you always the best friend? Can you become a leading role in the relationship? Are you with someone who doesn't want you to become a leading lady/man and makes sure you stay around but never take the lead for long? Share...

Are You Ready For The Ball

2007-08-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

Should you be in tip top shape when entering the ball to meet your prince or princess?

When writing that question I picture a woman really happy to have met her prince but the idea of a man meeting a princess that he would have to worship, I don't know...that may take a special man. So, for the sake of this post today and keeping it equal, let's pretend he won't have to worry about catering to the princess (completely) but we'll keep the idea of a woman meeting her prince charming. Have you ever been that person where you had a great date, the person lets you know they really want to see you again, but then calls and says they really aren't ready to date? I think that means different things...I'm not ready because I met someone else and really I'm just not ready for you, my life is a mess and I really like you but you are the one for a long time and I can't manage that right now because I'd want to really be good to you, they can't get over the last relationship and are trying to get it back, feel free to add your own interpretations to this but it happens. So, when you head out there are you really ready emotionally and physically to go to the ball? This goes along with being open for business but in a different manner. If you're not feeling good about yourself don't you think it will come across to the other person? If you're not square with what life has dealt you, don't you think it would be hard for someone else to be okay with it? We've all gone through rough and rocky times but how we present it or ourselves dealing with it, will make a difference. Take two people having the exact same past and troubles with exes...one person still smiles and is hopeful about the future while still dealing with it all, and has found a way to date and be available. The other is still bitter, cynical, and sees no hope for change or even being able to deal with it, who would you want to be with? I know instead of blaming the other people in my past relationships when explaining the history...I just say okay it wasn't the smartest move or choice but it was probably made with good intentions. We've also talked about the photo part of online dating but skipping being the belle of the ball; are you comfortable with who you are and how you look? If you are than that confidence shines through even in your walk. If you're not, do you want to change that? I am just me on a date only thinking if I like the man I met enough to go on a second date. Usually, if I am on that second date and the conversation is flowing I can start seeing where I might go with it. By the third date (contrary to the belief that I should be sleeping with them) I want the specifics of the details that were glossed over on previous dates, to get me to the fourth date. I am very attracted to confident, secure, positive men with a good sense of humor but not a salesman type. I am far from intimidated by these men as I have heard some women say. Do you think if you went to the ball and the prince or princess was emotionally, mentally, and physically impaired you'd be interested? This post came about due to talking with a date once who said they knew some of my rough times that in a sense have been imposed on me instead of self imposed, but how I dealt with it really changed how they felt they could deal with it if this would progress and that they would be fine. Okay, let's all say together, Savannah, that was soooo sweeeeet. It hit me that I worked hard to get myself mentally, emotionally, and even physically ( I have walked enough miles to be in Canada and back) in shape to be open for business should the right guy be ready and available. I have sometimes told my friends to wait a little until they're in a better place which will bring a more positive dating experience. I don't know that it will bring you prince charming, but it may bring many runners up and that's a good way to practice to be ready for the real thing.

What do you think about this? Have you ever headed out there and you weren't ready, what did you do? Maybe you dated someone like that, share how that worked out....

Open For Business

2007-08-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

If you're open for business are you just open or really mean business?

You put yourself out there to meet people. Maybe you joined an online service or an actual dating service and you say you'd like to meet people with similar interests who want a friendship, relationship, long term commitment leading to marriage. Oh, did I speak too soon for some of you? Maybe you really wanted to leave off that last part but knew that wouldn't attract the right crowd for you. In other words are you open or are you temporarily available? If a man isn't open for a relationship it won't matter who comes by, he won't notice or it will be short term only. But, once he decides he's ready will it matter who the woman is? What about a woman? Is a woman open most of the time unless in a relationship? How do we decide which ones are for good and which ones are for now? We do it...we know and we know pretty early on in the date. Some know in the first five minutes. We still date them even if we want long term leading to marriage so why do we do this? I can't speak for everyone else and I've been told that where I'm concerned, I am not the norm in this area. If I am not open and ready, I don't attempt to date. Once I am ready, I head out and usually connect by weeding out the lot with a careful but thorough approach so all that is left is the ones with real possibilities. I will not date someone more than once if I see something that doesn't work with me; which also leaves me open and available for the ones who do have something that works with me. But, maybe that's why I connect...I am open and ready. As one friend put it, for her it can be feast or famine. Recently, a man told me that it scared him that I am capable of long term relationships and that was a trait that I should be proud of and that scares him. I think that was a very telling statement. Would I be able to find him a perfect match for the time being...sure...there are women like that out there.I guess that would be, I'm open but just passing through. Do these people know they can't come through or are they intimidated by someone who could handle long term relationships?

What makes the difference to men between the woman they see for short term and the woman for long term leading to commitment? How can they tell this right away? How about a woman? What makes the difference for her...women do not write in pretending you all want long term with whomever you're with, I won't buy that.

Your Turn To Give Advice

2007-08-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

This is your turn to offer your advice:

I was sent an email asking advice about a situation. I have offered to put the information on the site and allow others to lend their advice. Please keep an open mind, try to put yourself in their shoes and go from there.

Situation:

The people involved are about 2o years apart in age. This person has been in a marriage that spans past two decades. This person has been feeling rejected in an intimate way by their spouse due to other issues beyond control, such as medication, health issues, etc. These two people involved are both married and both plan on staying married, but feel that because they have been able to share these intimate times together their marriages have been able to stay intact. Although feelings are never discussed, this person does feel love for the other. This person knows it's wrong but doesn't know what to do.

One of the questions asked was, are they hurting anyone if they don't know? I have already offered my thoughts in a reply email but was asked to get others opinions as well...

Is He Into You?

2007-08-05T21:14:00.000-05:00

Maybe you've heard this one before:

We've heard of the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Well...the authors came out with a daily mantra book. Each page is filled with a simple yet poignant point to remember about an unfulfilled relationship and to remind you that you deserve better.

A friend called to discuss this mantra from the book:

"If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences."

Obviously, this was an issue that had hit home to my friend on that particular evening. The man she was dating kept wanting to take it slow, afraid to commit, used his failed relationships as an excuse to not move forward and you could probably fill in the blanks for the rest of the excuses.

What do you think about this...why do women and even men think that they will be the one who makes a difference and can change the way this person thinks?

Quotes

2007-08-04T09:52:00.001-05:00

Quotes about men and women:

"Women always worry about the things men forget, men always worry about the things women remember."

"A woman never forgets the man she could have had: a man, the woman he couldn't."

"Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends up blocking his retreat."

"Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with."

Share your thoughts or favorite quotes:

"If You Want To Know, It's In His Kiss"

2007-08-03T09:03:00.000-05:00

Should you pass on a great woman/man because of the way they kiss?

A couple of posts ago, a gentleman wrote in about the way some people kiss and he even gave advice as to how to deliver that kiss. There was also mention of the fact that we aren't in our twenties and now want something different or just know better. I received a few emails asking me to throw this out to the readers:

What do you do when you are just beginning to date a person and each date says to keep going and moving forward, except the way they kiss?

Should you say something?
Continue to put up with it?
Not accept anymore dates?
Push them off if they are pushing you closer and "gouging you?"
Avoid kissing them?
Is it a sign that you aren't compatible?

Lend your advice to these people- Keep it at least PG to PG13...

Let A Test Decide For You

2007-08-02T12:30:00.000-05:00

Should psychology and science rule our dating lives?

I know this is going to sound familiar to some on here but some online dating services use profile tests to match you but yet you and your friend, who is completely the opposite of you, get sent many of the same people. There are dating services where you go in and they take your information but never enter it into a computer and then match you. Then there is a personality test like the Myers Briggs. I have taken the Myers Briggs four times and each time it came out the same and each time the results amazed certain people who understand the results and who also claim to really know me. I have taken this test at different ages and stages of my life. Have I just fooled everyone into thinking I was less than I really am or is it the way they have viewed me? Did they zero in on one trait and miss the others that prove to offset their belief? I was recently in a meeting where I was asked if I'd ever taken the test and what did I come out to be. No one was surprised. I told them how most people in my relationships are so surprised by these results and really in some cases dumbfounded. How can committee members know me better than people who date me and with whom I've had long term relationships? Did I fall prey to some stereotype? Maybe people see what they want to see to fit their own agenda. I was on a date and the gentleman asked me what my results were and then tried to figure out how the two of us could ever be a match. According to the test we couldn't be a lifelong partnership so based on these results should we not consider a second date? What if we were having the time of our lives and had common interests and attraction? I should just chuck it all because the test results said so? Some personalities do work better with others, but also people learn behaviors to work around it. I have met so many people who say they had to learn to adopt extroverted behaviors to survive college, work, interviews, leading meetings and team building and dating but were truly introverted or really needing a lot of space. At our age we have really come to know ourselves and actually accept ourselves. So, does it matter that your test results tell you who you are but your partner has no clue or has jaded misconceptions? Should we use a little more science and psychology to better select our mates or should we leave it up to good old fashioned love, common interests, conflict resolution abilities, and chemistry?

Share your thoughts and experiences on these personality tests and dating based on them.

Online Dating Experiences

2007-08-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

Is a picture really worth a thousand words?

It's late and you decide to surf the online dating sites...you can't sleep and you wonder just what will you find. There are people who do this at work to break up the day. These people are married, divorced, and single, it really doesn't matter; it is just entertainment for some. I thought I might want to have a mid-life crisis and date someone younger so I checked it out, afterall I heard the younger guys don't expect the wives to cook, their mothers didn't. Okay, seriously, what if you are really looking to find someone for you, will you look at someone without a picture? We all would like to think that we aren't so superficial...actually, I have some friends who very proudly admit they are at first but that's another story. Would you measure up to your own standards and expectations? Recently, I was told that men are very disappointed because the pictures haven't matched up to the reality. It didn't seem to matter that everything else in the profile may have been true. Didn't the profile have any influence on why you wanted to meet? Attraction and chemistry certainly play a role in your decision to pursue future dates. What do you guys think? Women, have your dates looked like their pictures and if you were disappointed did you still give it the old college try to connect on a different level? What about the men...did you give it a try when the picture didn't match the reality.

Have fun...leave out names of innocent parties, but share your online dating stories and any advice....

Irrational vs. Rational Thoughts

2007-07-31T23:44:00.000-05:00

Today was supposed to be a whole different post but due to some unforeseen conversations that took place in the past couple of days..here it goes....

Forget commitment phobic for a little. Why do people have these fears...are they afraid to ruin friendships, pick the wrong guy/gal, afraid of failure, afraid someone will see them for who they are and not like them? Why are people reaching out to connect with someone and then retreating once they do? I know we've all been burned a time or two but what makes one person so ready to move forward and the other so scared? We are used to following our instincts but what if our instincts are screwed up with fears and misconceptions...what do we do then? What if you have a belief about someone and it's completely off base but it's how you see things...can your mind be changed to see it differently will the fears be less if you do? We all move on and life keeps us going hopefully in a forward motion, but do we put the brakes on when we shouldn't and push on the gas when we should maybe hit the brakes? Do our fears guide us or our rational thoughts?

Share your thoughts, fears and ideas on this....

The Fairytale Ending

2007-07-30T13:32:00.000-05:00

What happens when the prince climbs up the tower and rescues the girl? She rescues him right back!

That is the line at the end of the movie, "Pretty Woman". In today's world of divorce, step-children, child support for the family you already have, and future dreams have times changed and we're needing to rescue one another instead of the prince rescuing the damsel in distress? We have become a world were two income families are becoming the norm. Studies are supporting that it isn't necessarily all bad. In the "old days" the answer would have just been he rescues her. I don't think anyone steps into the first marriage thinking they're going to get divorced. You've made decisions regarding where you live, how the kids will be raised, you built a life together that you both agreed upon living. Now you find yourself divorced and still trying to live that life because of the kids. Out in the dating world on the first or second date it seems that both parties are trying to figure out if they can live with the set up that's already in place. A very long time ago, an older couple told me a man will want to step in and help a woman and her kids. That there are men like that out there because that's how it was in their day. I know men have been told by older couples that women will want to come in and take care of them and their children and give up their careers. Because, in their day that's what women did. What do you all see out there happening? When I date, I can see the men figuring out the collateral damage they would take on. Then deciding if they could take it on with all of their responsibilities to their children, future dreams of where they wanted to be in ten years, not to mention the child support/alimony that's currently being paid out, all of this going through their head while appearing charming and engaging. I see myself asking about the children, their mom's involvement, and school districts; some kids have special needs that are provided for by the district they are in. And, what if the kids themselves are a handful. it's only fair to know what you'd be getting into. I have heard men say if the woman isn't living in my district then I am not dating her because they have the kids 50/50 and they're not moving. So then the tuition for out of district cash register pops into their heads. We are now armed with studies of the damage these types of moves at certain stages can cause to these once labeled resilient kids. Therapists aren't getting rich out of nowhere. In some cases with children a huge change may cause medical conditions to flare up. We haven't even gotten to the baggage and hurts of past relationships yet...this is just the preliminary first two dates. I liken it to an insurance claim. We've all been there listening to what's left after the marriage and where they're headed. We aren't living in our parents time where coming in and taking care of the family; each having their own roles and duties was expected and part of the deal. We seem to be making new deals and depending on the situation, creative deals. So many on here say they didn't date when things in their life became chaotic because it would have scared people away. I've been there and it does for some. I know men (and don't blame them one bit for this ) who with all their security and stability don't want to be only loved because they rescued someone or especially expected to. They've said even if it really isn't like that, they'd feel like it was. If a guy isn't ready to marry you or take this on they're not going to no matter how pressured they feel or dire your situation becomes. In fact, someone wrote in here that the pressure and feeling like they weren't coming through with a marriage proposal in the right time frame is why they left a woman they were planning to marry all together. This doesn't only happen to men...women who end up very successful or have a secure stable financial set up go through this too. There are men who think how great, I can be rescued by her. So my point here is what do you do when you add up the insurance claim and find you CAN do this...do you try or do you try to find someone with less collateral damage? WOMEN this question is for you too...women tend to view this in the form of what's expected as far as career, children, home and time.

If Only We Could...

2007-07-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

Should we be able to interview the exes before getting into a relationship?

Have you ever wondered if the problems you're having in your relationship aren't just your problems? Are you wondering did they happen to the person before you? So, what if you could talk to the previous object of affection? Remember before you answer that you have exes too who might talk. I can't give any details for obvious reasons but I got to experience this and it was enlightening. I don't like to kiss and tell, but the other woman had no problem with sharing her side and not getting anything in return from me.There are two sides to every story and somewhere in between is the truth. The truth may be spelled out in public records as well, but we all don't go looking. Would you believe it? It's possible someone left very angry and is out for revenge so they wouldn't be kind in their words. Or, they could be jealous so they want to make sure no one else is with them so again unkind words might be said. But, lets just say that you really got the other side of the story and it wasn't close to the way it was presented to you...what would you do with this information? In my case it was only enlightening because neither one of us was seeing the man in question anymore. However, what if I had been? This would have changed things for me...I think. I don't know if I would've believed it all or if I would've thought it would be different with me because I'm not her. I don't know if I would've told the man I was with what I knew unless I was prepared to leave. In some cases I guess you could use this information to better your relationship. I definitely would have been paying close attention to similarities. So often we have details that we ignore because we think it's the other person's fault completely and you know sometimes it is...but not always.

Have you ever gotten this opportunity and if not would you like too? How do you think this encounter would change things for you and your relationship?

"Anything you can do I can do better"

2007-07-28T15:12:00.000-05:00

Is Your Relationship/Marriage Competitive:

In school, jobs and in life I have been more of a cooperative team leader than a competitive winner. In personality tests I have come out to be a Director/Builder personality. I am good at leading, directing, blazing new trails, while building a cohesive bond amongst team members and in relationships. At least that's what the results and the team members say. I like to play games like billiards, basketball, ping-pong, etc. for fun only. I don't want to compete. I don't know why, it's just never been my thing. Don't get me wrong...I can compete to win and have that edge when necessary, but I'd rather enjoy the experience. I have coached a team and I was the good guy handing out the praise and positive messages, while the other coach played the tough competitive guy, pointing out the errors and demanding a better performance. We worked well together with a great respect for each other's role. Can I bring it on when provoked- you betcha. Okay, all old boyfriends don't write in about how you lost to me at pool, air hockey, ping pong, or even my one time luck at darts while I pretended to not really know how to play because I just wanted to have fun and build your ego. I really have to say I have only dated one or two men that were competitive with women. One man could beat me at anything and took great pride in it while I would act cute and playful and just was out to have fun. He started to joke but in a frustrated manner that I really wasn't challenging him and why couldn't I learn to be better at stripes and solids pool game. I laughed and then cleared the table. I think it was really luck that day but I won and didn't rub it in. In fact, I couldn't because he wouldn't speak to me. He gave me both middle fingers if you know what I mean and walked off. Those men would even compete in emptying a dishwasher and putting everything away in a timely fashion. Oh, the memories of those days. I see people and partnerships as teammates not competitors so I know every now and then I need to challenge them in a game of checkers, pool, horse, or racing to the next telephone pole, just so they can feel they have competed against me in something. We all have different strengths. Competition can be a very healthy part of a relationship. It makes the couple try to do their best. But, what if you always have to be the one who wins? You just might be the one who loses.

Here are some trouble spots to look out for that I found while searching the subject.
"You are hoping he doesn’t do something too well.
You feel angry at him after he has a success.
You feel panicky about your talents, after he does something you consider your strength.
You are often trying to outdo him on various tasks.
You see him as more of an adversary than as a teammate.
You feel happily superior when he fails."

Are you in this situation what do you do about the trouble it starts...do you feel you have a great relationship? When do you think the competitiveness has gone too far?

Commitment Phobic or Ambivalent...will you know?

2007-07-27T02:27:00.000-05:00

Ambivalent or Commitment phobic?

Yesterday, I was digging in my closet for my favorite T-shirt when I came across a book I read in college. "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Why was it hiding in my T-shirt drawer? I must've been reviewing the red flags of a relationship and had to hide the book when the guy walked in. Who knows how long it's been there but certainly still relevant today. Oh, how I forgot how scripted a relationship can be with a person afraid to commit. Even though the book is about men...the authors did go on and write another book that also talked about women and their fears too. There's being ambivalent and just hanging around but not really changing, committing, or improving with positive progress and then there's falling in love so quick and then getting the heck out of there. The book breaks down a commitment phobic relationship from beginning to end. Trust me, if you have ever lived this, it's scary that your life can be scripted to fit almost every detail that you lived and you weren't the author. There's even a curtain call. That's always my favorite, just as you've moved on and your ready to head out there and date or you're starting a new relationship, the guy decides he isn't quite through. A curtain call is when the relationship is over and the fear is removed so now the person is able to feel the love again and wants to come back. The book acknowledges that there's a pattern to this type of relationship. The following illustrates the beginning of the end.

"1. His attitude towards you has changed and there's clues he's not going to be around long.
2. Spends less time and doesn't give much in the way of explanations.
3.He insists upon space and flexibility.
4. He breaks dates and changes plans.
5. He's moody and blames it on something else.
6. Mixed messages of harsh rejection or sentimental love and total approval. "

Men, I am very aware that there are women out there just like this too and who do this as well.

The problem in all of this is you have to catch up to what's going on here and you didn't even see it coming. You may also think that with some time to think and clever conversation you can somehow change this outcome. In most cases as the book says...you can't, the mind is usually made up and the process was started long before you knew. You don't think the way they do. What is comforting and secure to you is suffocating to them. I can say all of this to you and write it down like I am so armed with this information that I never would fall prey to it and that just isn't so. There's a difference between ambivalence and this fear of commitment. The ambivalent person can float while the commitment phobic person has been on their way out from almost the moment they got in. Can this type of person change? The authors of the book seem to reluctantly think so, but only if they really want to and seek help to do so. However, the authors do call it a "daunting" task.

Share your stories and thoughts... Ever meet anyone like this? Did you experience the curtain call.

Illogical behavior and Ambivalent People

2007-07-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

Dealing with an ambivalent man or woman in a relationship:

Usually men associate illogical behavior with women. There are comedy routines based on the idea that women not only think out of the box but that they create many different ones that weren't even options and then start debating those. Women can spend hours trying to figure out why a man is acting " illogical" from their perspective in a relationship. So, what is illogical behavior in a relationship and why does it exist? Here's an unprofessional but real world sampling of some ideas that I found on the Internet and through discussions with men and women.

* The person tells you they love you and wants to start a future with you, and then starts a full blown relationship with someone else.
* The man/woman tells you they miss you but then never really makes time to see you.
* The person is involved in a relationship but says they only want to be with you.
* The man/woman connects with you deeply one day and then disappears for a couple of weeks.
* This one is the no brainer, schedules dates and then doesn't show, doesn't call, doesn't seem to care and then when you do hear from them...they are so enthralled with you and start the pattern over again.

Many of these and more are considered illogical and when dealing with the person who acted them out you will find they may be ambivalent toward the issue. When dealing with these people, chances are you've done nothing wrong. It's his/her own issues and problem to deal with. May be there's just a part of them that isn't able to be 100% emotionally available. Okay, I know you end up dealing with it too, because you fell for it, believed it, even changed some of your life in some cases to accommodate the schedule changes and phone calls. The behavior is unpredictable and some said the behavior would drive them crazy to where they would rethink over and over what did they do or say to make this person behave this way or even did they misunderstand what the person told them. One person was so exhausted from dealing with this that they took the day off of work to recuperate. I know one woman who thought she had a date scheduled and rearranged her schedule to make this work. She did think it was a little odd that the two hadn't touched base right before the date. She showed up and he didn't. She called and he acted like the date hadn't been set in stone. She reviewed the email and in fact it had been very clearly stated and agreed upon. I can't speak for the men, but a couple of men I know said if a woman does this or any of the above items, they move on and consider themselves lucky, and the woman a problem. One said they would wonder but only for a short time what did they do to cause this. Women, well it was a whole different story...some of the women I spoke with would give these guys more chances to set it straight. They'd even listen to the story and feel sorry for the guy that he needs to get more in control of his life and had conflicting feelings. After a guy behaves in an ambivalent manner twice, my friend always reminds me of the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So, I was asked a few days ago, where do you go from there? What should you do when these illogical things happen and you believe the excuses. Obviously, stop believing the excuses would probably be a good place to start. Don't try to find a way to fix the problem for the person. You've been flexible and understanding and it didn't change anything. Don't waste time (days, weeks, I know a few hours or even a day depending on the length of the relationship might happen) analyzing why this happened and how you can fix it or change it. The problem isn't you...the issue is with the other person. You can set limits, boundaries, accept the confusing behavior for what it is and begin working on you and why you want to be with someone who isn't giving you what you want and need as well as adding the perplexing behaviors that are driving you crazy and making you feel a bit insecure.

Share your thoughts and stories....

Would the rules still apply?

2007-07-25T19:55:00.000-05:00

I was asked on a previous comment to post the lyrics to Ciara's new song, "Like A Boy". Men and women weigh in on the double standards and behaviors.

The song is about if a woman were to act like a man who was cheating or possibly cheating. I am only posting some of the lyrics but the point is about secrecy, questions, and questionable behavior. Women tend to ask a lot of questions when they suspect something isn't right...am I right men? When they don't get the answers or even the answers they're looking for they are somehow told they are being ridiculous. So, the song is asking the question what would a man do if the woman always had her phone on vibrate, join accounts but one on the side, out late, etc. She asks would the rules still apply? Here are some of the main lyrics...tell us what you think.

Partial lyrics:

Security codes on everything
Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring
(Joint Account) And another one he don't know about
Wish we could switch up the roles And I could be that...
Tell you I love you But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?... Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning On the corna roll'n Do'n my own thing Ohh

[Chorus] What if I? Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry? Would the rules change up?
Or would they still apply?
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy